If you’ve got 23 minutes of free time, 23 brain cells to spare and want to see a touching tribute to the late and great Ass Dan, then smear your eyes with topical ointment and watch the long as hell infomercial for 2012’s Gathering of the Juggalos. Cave-In-Rock, Illinois will once again become ground zero for fuckery when Juggalos and Juggalettes gather together for nearly a week full of clown-faced debauchery. You should hold your head with two hands before you read this year’s line-up, because you might shake it off your neck. This year’s line-up includes: The Game, George Clinton, The Fat Boys, Jamie Kennedy, Bobcat Goldthwait, a Michael Jackson Tribute, Master P, Raekwon and The Pharycide. George Clinton, what are you doing?! Has it really come to this? Do the Dancing with the Stars people not have your number? Damn.
You know, every year I toy with going to this mess, because I really want to see a pregnant Juggalette smoke meth out of an empty Faygo bottle in the middle of a clown orgy, but then I change my mind since I’m really not ready to die. But this year I might have to take that chance, because they had me at the words: Faygo, hot dogs and hamburgers will rain on the stage!