After two bland seasons of Steven Tyler licking his inner tube lips at lady contestants and JLo covering up her true diva bitch ways by acting like she genuinely cares about other people, American Idol has the chance to get double slapped back to life by Aretha Franklin’s knock ’em dead titty balls. Queen Aretha has made it publicly known that she’s open to the producers of American Idol entering her throne room to bow at her hooves and formally offer her a judge’s chair. Aretha says she is ready rest her chichis on the judge’s table and sip from a cup full of Diet Coke Slurpee while turning bitches who can’t sing into puddles of human gravy with her glare.
Aretha tells CNN that she wants to “play a vital role in choosing the next American Idol.” Aretha is really threatening Fox with a good time, because she says she’ll even bring along her friend Patti LaBelle.
This is exactly what American Idol needs. Yes to Aretha, yes to Patti and yes to Aretha completing the trifecta of magic by getting Dionne Warwick. If you sing off key in front of Aretha and Dionne, Aretha will scalp you just by waving you away and Dionne will give you a number, hussy. The number to the nearest temp agency since you obviously need to get a day job. But sadly, Fox isn’t going to make this happen. I mean, Fox hire a judge that can actually sing? HA! We know those bitches too well.