Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 14, 2012 / Posted by:

Dr. Fredric Brandt, world-renowned cosmetic dermatologist and a fantastical beauty I thought only existed deep within the mind of J.K. Rowling. You probably can’t get up right now, because looking at that precious picture of Dr. Brandt made your asshole pucker so hard that it suctioned itself to your chair.

Every weekday morning at 11, I keep The View on in the background, because the sound of rabid, crazy hens hysterically pecking at the same seed really helps me to work. And about halfway into yesterday’s show, the high-pitched pecking suddenly stopped and was replaced by the ethereal vision of a shining albino sun whose shooting rays of beauty covered my retinas with perfection. I don’t even know what the hell Dr. Brandt was on there to talk about, because I temporarily lost my sense of hearing to focus on taking in his radiant gorgeousness with my eyes. But after his segment ended when he disappeared in a cloud of star dust, I Googled his ass and found out that he’s the greatest cosmetic dermatologist who has ever lived, or something. Dr. Brandt is like a plastic surgeon, but instead of using a scalpel as his paint brush, he uses a needle full of injectables to create his masterpieces. Apparently, Madge is one of his clients and so I guess she’s the Mona Lisa to his da Vinci. Makes sense since Madge looks like Mona Lisa if you recreated Mona Lisa’s face using creamed veal, spray lacquer and the butt cheeks of a newborn baby.

If you mixed together the potent essence of an Austin Powers villain, the charisma of Lucius Malfoy, the grace of Glenn Close as Albert Nobbs, a drop of blood from a vampire swan and the judgmental gaze of a snobby ostrich, you still wouldn’t come close to matching the overall majesty of Dr. Brandt. J.K. Rowling so needs to rewrite the ending to Harry Potter, because it should end like this: “And as soon as Harry came face to gorgeous face with the Death Eaters’ answer to Aphrodite, Dr. Fredric Brandt, he dropped his wand, got lost in the doctor’s beauty and surrendered himself. Oh, and Dr. Brandt totally fixed that scar on Harry’s forehead in just a few office visits. The end.”

And somebody please tell Lucius Malfoy to cancel his appointment at Supercuts, because he could never pull off a bob the way Dr. Brandt pulls off a bob. Excuse this Death Eaters’ beauty.

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