Tommy Will Sue The National Enquirer Over This

July 12, 2012 / Posted by:

The Hollywood Reporter says that Little Lord Tommy Girl and his band of lawyers have threatened to sue American Media Inc., the company that owns The National Enquirer, for spitting out slanderous lie after slanderous lie about his latest marriage and divorce. The National Enquirer will respond to the letter by shredding it into a tub of aloe vera oil and muddling it until it’s the consistency of premium ass lube. Then they’ll give it Tommy to rub on all the burns they put on his ass. Because that’s a better use for that letter and The National Enquirer doesn’t give two shits about Tommy’s threats.

Tommy’s lawyer Bertram Fields is especially chapped over the Enquirer’s latest cover about Tommy’s house of horrors. The story claims that Tommy locked Suri in a windowless room for five months and mentally abused Katie. Bert writes that the cover is “disgusting and lurid,” is ruining Tommy’s reputation and will cost Scientology’s Little Miss Grand Supreme hundreds of millions of dollars of personal and professional damages. You can read the whole letter here, but here’s a small piece:

“Your cover announces, as a fact, that ‘THE REAL TOM CRUISE IS A MONSTER.’ Mr. Cruise is certainly not a ‘monster.’ He is a caring father, a hardworking actor and, above all, an honest, decent man.” The cover also includes the headline “Inside Tom’s House of Horrors” alongside a picture of Cruise’s Beverly Hills residence as well as allegations that Holmes led a “tortured life” with the actor before filing for divorce on June 28.

Can’t Tommy use his True Blood-like powers to glamour the image of that cover from all of our memories? And can’t he use his Carrie-like powers to move all copies of that shit from the newsstands into the gutter? I’m guessing that Tommy traded in a whole lot of reward tickets at the Scientology prize area to get those powers. Well, he needs to get all his tickets back, because those powers aren’t working.

If Tommy wants to sue a bitch for ruining his reputation, he should sue himself. Tom Cruise ruined Tom Cruise’s reputation. That said, somebody should still sue The National Enquirer for that fraudulent cover on the left. They made a nation believe that Tommy was up to no good when he got half-nekkid and slipped into bed with another woman. We all know that Tommy was only lying half-naked on a bed in the presence of a woman, because she was there to wax, bleach and henna tattoo the coordinates of Xenu’s safe house on his ass lips. The public demands a retraction and clarification, Enquirer!

And here’s Katie, Suri and Katie’s mom at the Central Park Zoo yesterday. It’s nice to see Suri interacting with human children without Scientology handlers grabbing her while screaming, “She’s been exposed!” 

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