Spidey vs. Sparkle Vamp

July 12, 2012 / Posted by:

Seen here looking like a faaaaaaaaw-bulous lion, Andrew Garfield chokes out a bottle of body glitter every time somebody brings up Robert Pattinson’s name, because he can’t stand that block of mozzarella cheese covered in sparkle vamp skin (Andrew’s supposed words, not mine, Twihards). While doing research for this highly important expose about the battle between pajama-wearing superheroes and broody disco balls who call themselves glittery vampires, I found picture after picture of Andrew and RPattz hugging on each other.  But a source tells USWeekly that both of them are faking it through those hugs and Andrew is faking it better, because he’s the real thespian of the two, thankyouverymuch.

The source says that it disgusts Andrew that he’s put into the same category as RPattz, because he considers himself a highly serious actor who delivers his farts with more raw emotion than RPattz delivers his lines. (Side question: Do vampires fart?) The source went on to say that at a wedding for some Hollywood producer last month, Andrew and RPattz barely looked at each other. The source added this shit: “The truth is, Andrew can’t stand Rob. Andrew hates that they’re put in the same category because they’re both English and around the same age. They don’t enjoy hanging out. Andrew considers himself a ‘serious actor’ and sees Rob as the equivalent of a cheesy boy bander because of Twilight.”

So the source is trying to tell us that this feud is over which one of them is better at doing acting shit? That’s not what it’s about. We all know what this is really about. When two 20-something British men snarl at each other, it’s usually because of one thing and one thing only: HAIR!

Andrew is just jealous that no matter how much he grows out his wild mane, it will never summon the frolicking unicorns the way RPattz’s does. Let’s compare these two bitches:

Andrew should get some credit for giving us (Note: shake your finger when you read this or it won’t count!) Lambert the Fiiiiiiercest Lion, but he still only gets 3 out of 5 Chantal Biyas:

RPattz on the other hand, 5 out of 5, duh:

When the angels stand on the edge of the clouds and dip their asses low, whose hair tips do they brush their butt cheeks against? Exactly. Stay jealous, Spidey Bitch, stay jealous.

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