July 12, 2012 / Posted by:

After 2 seasons of molesting the lady contestants with his eyeballs, Steven Tyler (aka the most beautiful woman at the judge’s table) has broken up with American Idol and won’t be back next season. Steven (seen above giving us “Wyoming ranch matron” from the waist up and “rich grandma power walking in a fancy mall at 10am” from the waist down) released his broke up letter to the world and this mess of insane words is more entertaining than anything he said on Idol. This is the kind of crazy I want from Steven Tyler. Steven compared American Idol to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and threw a meme in there.

“After some long…hard…thoughts…I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit. I strayed from my first love, AEROSMITH, and I’m back – but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I’ve got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band. The next few years are going to be dedicated to kicking some serious ass – the ultimate in auditory takeover…On Nov. 6, we are unleashing our new album, Music from Another Dimension on the Earth, Moon, Mars, and way beyond the stars…IDOL was over-the-top fun, and I loved every minute of it…Now it’s time to bring Rock Back. ERMAHGERD.”

JLo is out of there too, unless FOX stuffs her honey glazed ham ass with more wads of cash (they won’t and shouldn’t), and so that just leaves Randy Jackson who is never going to quit that shit since he has the easiest job on TV next to Vanna White. Actually, Randy’s job is easier than Vanna’s, because she has to do hers standing up.

My choices for Steven Tyler and JLo’s replacements are: Antoine Dodson, Sweet Brown, Hoku, Stevie B, a bottle of Vicodin covered in dog hair (an homage to Paula Abdul), a broken Furby and the old lady at my subway stop who always tells the platform performers to shut their mouths. Or FOX can just do to American Idol what Anne Archer did to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction: shoot it dead in the bathroom. Then FOX will have room its schedule and can buy and bring back the reason why TV was invented in the first place. I’m talking about WB Superstar USA (yes, I’m posting another clip from this masterpiece of a wreck):

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