Katie Holmes Is A Stealth Ninja

July 11, 2012 / Posted by:

I’ve made jokes that the blueprint for Katie Holmes’ I QUIT THIS BITCH mission had clips from Sleeping with the Enemy, The Wire, Alias and Not Without My Daughter in it, but The Los Angeles Times (via UsWeekly) says it really did. Since Katie couldn’t queef on her bed sheet without Scientology scientists immediately rushing in to confiscate the sheet for testing, she had to be stealth when making her divorce plans, because Scientology was watching her every twitch. If the High Priestess of Scientology, Tommy Girl, ever found out about Katie’s plans to not renegotiate her marriage contract, he would’ve given her another lobotomy with a protocol droid and sent Suri to live in a boarding school on the edge of Xenu’s intergalactic volcano.

The Los Angeles Times says that Katie hired three law firms in three states and even had one of her friends buy a prepaid cell phone so she could have covert conversations in secret places Scientologists never go like pharmacies, strip clubs with titties and ice cream parlors with gay people in it. UsWeekly says that one of those down low conversations might’ve been with the second member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Beards Club, Nicole Kidman. Apparently, Nicole “lent Katie her ear” during all of this. Since Nicole’s ear is entirely made of plastic and is completely detachable like her face, I totally picture her sending it to Katie via FedEx and Katie talking into it while hiding out from Tommy under bed.

Before Katie told Scientology to take her e-meter and shove it up their asses (“Okay! That sounds fun!” – David Miscavige), I thought she was nothing but a boring bowl of soggy cornflakes whose brains must’ve been made of broken Christmas ornaments if she willingly signed up to a Bride of Xenu, but all the stealth moves she made during her divorce have given me a new appreciation for her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that she’s suddenly great at making life decisions all the time, because obviously she isn’t. I mean, look at that denim sack of a dress she wore while hanging out with Suri and her mom yesterday.

Oh, and Katie gave her latest FUCK YOU to Scientology by going back to the Catholic Church and joining St. Francis Xavier in NYC. From HuffPo:

“Everyone is thrilled to have Katie join us,” a member of the church’s choir told me. “She has not yet attended a service, but when she does she will be welcomed with open arms.”

The church, located on 16th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues, is known for inclusive thinking and its welcoming of many gay and lesbian Catholics. Its mission statement indicates that the Roman Catholic Church parish “strives to be a prophetic, welcoming community, inclusive witness to the presence of Christ Jesus in our midst.” Its website proclaims that it is a respectful community, “where seekers and their questions are welcomed, where injustice is challenged, where the poor, the alienated and marginalized find a home, and where people are refreshed, reconciled and renewed.”

You might be thinking, “Oh well, at least the Catholic Church won’t stalk and threaten a bitch if she wants to leave.” But have you ever told your Catholic abuelita that you don’t want to go to Sunday mass? Scientologists ain’t got shit on a Catholic abuelita.

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