In case you were wondering if Hollywood still hates you, they do! They plan to ruin my tweenhood memories of watching What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? on AMC when AMC played classic old movies instead of playing Mystic Fucking Pizza all the time. (“Michael, Mystic Pizza IS an old movie. You’re just too old to not know this. Now drink your prune juice and choke on a caramel square, you decrepit hag!” – you) Deadline says that Hollywood has pulled out the guillotine and this time Baby Jane is going under it. Walter Hill, the director of 48 Hrs. and The Getaway, will write and direct the remake. Yeah, now I know how the maid felt after Baby Jane bopped over the head with a hammer. Here’s the details from Deadline:
Hill sparked to the idea of re-creating the nightmarish relationship between two sisters in a crumbling Hollywood mansion, where former child star Jane Hudson (Davis) holds captive her crippled former movie-queen sister (Crawford). “The two equal leads demand great performers — that is a given,” Hill said. “The intensity of the Gothic storyline makes a reconfiguration of the drama still a potentially searing experience. The idea is to make a modern film without modernizing the period. It needs to resonate the golden age of Hollywood.”
Just imagining a trick besides Bette Davis saying “But ya ahhhh, Blanche, ya ahhhh in that chair” is making my ears dry heave. We already had a TV remake in 1991 with Vanessa and Lynn Redgrave, and we don’t need another one.
But if Hollywood insists on going through with this mess, then they should really make the remake a serious horror show. They should wipe all the Vaseline from the camera lenses, film it in 3D IMAX with bright overhead lightning and give us this cast:
“Sister, sister, oh so fair, why is there coke all over your hair?”