Tommy & Katie Have Already Settled

July 9, 2012 / Posted by:

In “Don’t Mess With A Bitch Who Knows Some Shit News,” both People and TMZ say that Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes have already agreed to all the details in their divorce settlement after only a few days of negotiations. Katie’s lawyer says that the agreement has already been signed by both sides and she can’t wait “to start the new phase of her life” and re-discover the emotion known as happiness which she forgot existed. Tommy and Katie also released this statement that simply translates into: “LEAVE SCIENTOLOGY ALOOOOOOOOOOOONE!”

“We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri’s best interests. We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other’s commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other’s roles as parents.”

Our respective beliefs…” That’s one way of saying that during their 30-second divorce settlement brawl, Katie tagged in The Pope and Tommy tagged in Xenu.

Of course, zero details about their settlement agreement have been released, because Tommy doesn’t want us to know that he got custody of all the E.T. finger-shaped strap-ons, but People knows a few things. Their source says that Suri will stay in NYC with Katie and Tommy has been given “generous” visitation rights.

That shit was fast and I’m slightly disappointed that we won’t get to see Tommy try to furiously re-activate the microchip in Katie’s head just as she’s about to spill more shit about him in a public custody hearing. Obviously, with all the ESCANDALOSO stories about Scientology coming out, David Miscavige twisted Tommy’s nipple (and not in a sexy way) and told him to make it all go away or his Scientology glory hole privileges will be revoked.

And here’s a few pictures of Katie with Suri yesterday. I’ll update this post as soon as pictures of Katie doing the “FREEEEEEE AT LAAAAST” shuffle down the streets of Manhattan come out.

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