It seems like just yesterday when the beautiful word “SLUT” was sprayed in graffiti on Sienna Miller’s house and today the words “IT’S A (insert the gender of Sienna’s first baby friend here)!” were sprayed on there after she gave birth to her first kid with that fiancé who sometimes looks like a light weight sumo wrestler competing in the homeless hipster division. It really is the end of a home wrecking era, because Sienna’s bull dozer vagina is temporarily retired now that a baby has passed through it. The pussy that once destroyed lives is now delivering life. As I take a moment of silence, read what UsWeekly has to say about this:
Sienna Miller and her fiance Tom Sturridge welcomed their first child over the weekend in London, a source confirms exclusively to Us Weekly. Details on the baby’s gender, name and weight were not available. The British duo have been dating for over a year and debuted signs of their engagement — Miller’s dazzling diamond engagement ring — in mid-February.
Since there aren’t any details, let me fill that shit in. Sienna and Tom are both dirty boho hippies, so I’m guessing she gave birth in a backyard pond full of rose water while he hollered out some Gaelic birthing chant as he smeared lavender-infused mud all over her tits. Then after their baby was born, they melded their baby with the earth by rolling him or her in a patch of dirt. They threw a floral wreath on their baby’s head, held that baby up to the sun and waited until the wind delivered their baby’s name into their ears. The wind delivered the name Scrags Patchouli, obviously. The end.