BREAKING: Katie Holmes Buys Milk

July 6, 2012 / Posted by:

It’s been exactly one week since Katie Holmes celebrated Independence Day early by overriding her internal hard drive thus taking back control of her brain from Tommy Girl, and so far she spent the day buying leche at the Whole Foods by her apartment in Chelsea. This is, of course, SIREN-BUSTING BREAKING NEWS, because a little over a week ago, Katie couldn’t reach for milk without a Scientology handler zapping her in the hand with an electrocution saber before telling her that she should really buy a bag of barley and distilled water instead. Freedom definitely tastes like the opposite of barley water.

So, there’s a million upon a million #tomkatastrophe stories out there and every time I read one, another one pops up. Can’t somebody start a 24-hour cable channel where peen puppets act out all of these stories. That’s a missed opportunity. Anyway, let’s get this mess:

From TMZ – Being the bossy bottom that he is, Tommy Girl controlled every single part of Katie’s life including her career. That’s your cue to chap your vocal cords while letting out the longest DUUUUUUUH in history. Tommy wouldn’t let the studio who distributed Thank You For Not Smoking use any pictures of Katie kissing Aaron Eckhart in their promo materials. Also, during the media tour for Batman Begins, Tommy chained Katie inside of his private jet and wouldn’t allow her to fly with the rest of the cast. This “disgusted Morgan Freeman. TMZ asked Morgan for a comment, but he was too busy not giving a fuck about all of this.

From TMZ – Some source says that despite what every whore is shouting, Katie not extending her contract with Tommy has nothing to do with Scientology. Katie’s team is only using the Scientology shit to get at Tommy. Katie was practically one of L. Ron Hubbard’s main homegirls and would go to meetings and audits by herself. Bitch probably only went because she’d rather burn her “Thetans” off in the sauna than look at Tommy’s face at home. Also, I’d hardly call “Tommy controlling Katie’s ability to walk via remote control” as Katie doing that shit on her own.

From Radar: Scientologists brainwashed Isabella and Connor into thinking that their mom Nicole Kidman is a sociopath. They were forced to sit in daily sessions where they were told over and over again that Nicole is nuts. Or the Scientologists just saved their words and tried to prove to Isabella and Connor that Nicole is crazy by showing them Bewitched on a loop. It worked, obviously.

From The Village Voice: SCIENTOLOGY CRUMBLING. The headline paired with a picture of Tommy and David Miscavige butching it up on bikes says it all.

From Radar: The President of Scientology’s 27-year-old son mysteriously died from a fever 4 days ago and his mom, who quit the Church of Xenu in 2010, hasn’t been allowed to see his body.

From The Village Voice: David Miscavige’s wife Shelly hasn’t been seen or heard from since 2007. Shelly went missing right after she started looking for a job without getting her master’s permission first. Tony Ortega, VV’s Scientology expert, thinks that maybe Scientology is holding Shelly in one of their compounds, but I’d like to think she pulled some Sleeping with the Enemy shit and is living under a new name in Cedar Falls.

From Radar: Scientologists are flooding major media websites and trying to get the anti-Xenu comments from commenters removed by reporting that shit to Google.

So basically, all of this has Scientologists losing their minds (more than usual) and the only Scientologist that is secretly happy about this is John Travolta. For the first time in weeks, bitches are sniffing up Tommy’s Scientolohole and leaving John’s itchy Scientolohole alone for now.

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