Hot Slut Of The Day!

The Black Snake Firework! Over 230 years ago, our founding daddies broke up with King George III and the rest of Britain by writing them one of those “we just don’t want the same things anymore, we’ve grown apart, etc..etc…” letters on Lisa Frank stationary. Then they wrapped that “bitch bye” letter around a mix-tape with Kelly Clarkson’s “Miss Independent” and George Michael’s “Freedom! ’76” on it. And now every year, we celebrate that break up by turning our stomach bags into a red, white and blue aquarium of barbecue sauce, vodka and Berry Blue Kool-Aid. And some of you bitches are really celebrating this shit by sitting on the curb in front of your house and sipping on a vodka Kool-Aid while watching your neighbors put on a spectacular street fireworks show using fireworks they bought at a stand off the freeway (or smuggled in illegally from Tijuana).

One of my favorite, favorite, favorite street fireworks is the snake firework. It’s the best firework, because it shouldn’t even be a firework. It’s a piece of shit! No, it really looks like a long piece of shit (side note: I chose this video, because the music is really soothing and the perfect soundtrack for taking a zen caca).

It’s like watching the pavement take a really, long fiery poo. It’s like your ass after you eat spicy food. Yes, it’s a Dr. Oz-approved shit, but still. And we’d stand around it and “oooh and ahhhh” at the pavement having a bowel movement. It’s really the pavement’s lucky night, because who gets to take a shit in front of a clapping audience (besides GOOPY Paltrow since she probably has people on her staff who only do that for her)?

So whatever you’re doing today know that somewhere a small crowd of people are getting hypnotized by a flaming hot scat snake. Happy Fourth, everyone!