Nicholas Sparks Killed R. Kelly’s Marriage

July 3, 2012 / Posted by:

R. Kelly writes in his memoirs Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me that the reason why his marriage of 12 years slipped down the drain of a urinal wasn’t because he suddenly realized that he’s a dried dingle of dick cheese and his wife is destined for better things like Vh1’s Hollywood Exes. R. Kelly writes (via TMZ) that the movie The Notebook put him through serious changes and made him realize that his own marriage could never go until the end of time like the characters in a fucking movie. This bitch:

“As the film credits started to roll, I couldn’t move. I burst into tears. People walking past me patted me on the back, trying to console me. ‘The Notebook’ was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together.

But I was also crying because I remembered a Valentine’s Day — when a helicopter dropped a rainfall of roses — that had come and gone … My marriage had died. And there was nothing I could do to bring it back.”

Falling roses on Valentine’s Day? Now that’s a real reason to divorce a bitch. Nothing is romantic about getting slapped in the face with a rose stem after you look up to yell at that loud ass helicopter.

R. Kelly just needs to stop. Seeing the movie didn’t ruin his marriage. What really happened is that after he strolled out of theater and looked at the movie poster of rain falling on Rachel McAdams, he realized that he needed to leave his wife and focus all of his time on what really makes his douche heart full: making it rain piss on underage girls in hotel rooms.

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