Nicholas Sparks Killed R. Kelly's Marriage
R. Kelly writes in his memoirs Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me that the reason why his marriage of 12 years slipped down the drain of a urinal wasn't because he suddenly realized that he's a dried dingle of dick cheese and his wife is destined for better things like Vh1's Hollywood Exes. R. Kelly writes (via TMZ) that the movie The Notebook put him through serious changes and made him realize that his own marriage could never go until the end of time like the characters in a fucking movie. This bitch:
"As the film credits started to roll, I couldn't move. I burst into tears. People walking past me patted me on the back, trying to console me. 'The Notebook' was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together.
But I was also crying because I remembered a Valentine's Day -- when a helicopter dropped a rainfall of roses -- that had come and gone ... My marriage had died. And there was nothing I could do to bring it back."
Falling roses on Valentine's Day? Now that's a real reason to divorce a bitch. Nothing is romantic about getting slapped in the face with a rose stem after you look up to yell at that loud ass helicopter.
R. Kelly just needs to stop. Seeing the movie didn't ruin his marriage. What really happened is that after he strolled out of theater and looked at the movie poster of rain falling on Rachel McAdams, he realized that he needed to leave his wife and focus all of his time on what really makes his douche heart full: making it rain piss on underage girls in hotel rooms.
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Having not seen The Notebook, it took me a moment to figure out whether he meant he was so moved by a scene in the movie involving a helicopter with falling roses that it reminded him of his own busted marriage, or if he was the recipient of such a gesture, also reminding him of his busted marriage.
Either way, what a loser. (And so is Nicholas Sparks, I can't stand him.)
"You're no good at disdam game." - Sopia Petrillo
"Falling roses on Valentine's Day? Now that's a real reason to divorce a bitch. Nothing is romantic about getting slapped in the face with a rose stem after you look up to yell at that loud ass helicopter."
I laughed til I cried at this quote MK, you genius.
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"He's the angriest man you'll ever meet. He's like a man with a fork in a world of soup." Noel Gallagher on his brother Liam.
"This bitch" is right. In a nutshell. Emphasis on nut.
What is this troll belly aching about? Jesus Christ.
Am I the only one waiting for the rest of Trapped in the Closet to be released? I thought it was pretty funny!
Please excuse me while I puke my guts out. That damned wretched movie (or damned wretched R. Kelly) just won't go into obscurity.
Soulacoaster!!!!!!!???????
Aaahaaahaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaaahaaaahaaaaa!!!!!
Oh how I needed a good laugh.
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Worrying is using your imagination
to create something you don’t want.
Good fucking God, anyone who bases the quality of their marriage on The Notebook is a motherfucking idiot and deserves to be alone in eternity. Shit
I don't know if this has been said yet or not, but Ryan Gosling does absolutely NOTHING for me. I mean zilch. Anyone else?
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 4:33pm.
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oh no. Trapped in the Closet real. It's very, very, real. Youtube that mess and be prepared for the unholy display of fuckery you are about to witness.
That, btw, is one of the best South Park episodes (the other being the one where they make fun of Inception). "THEN I PULL OUT MAH GUN....."
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I have the DVD of that crapfest in my bookcase. I got it as a gift (I DID'NT ask for it! lol). I can't imagine being cast or having to work on it in any way, shape or form. They all probably got 5 bucks and a box of Depends.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat :
What a little bitch... YOU STILL HAVE A FUCKING FRIDGE DON'T YOU?!!!!!
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LOL, we have clients here with the conference room door open so I have to maintain some dignity. Mentally, I've slid off my chair onto the desk mat laughing in the fetal position :P
Hey R. (standing for "retarded") kelly, are you sure your marriage didn't implode because you were too busy fucking underage girls & pissing on them while videotaping it?
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"Dammit, Pam, I've seen that, and now I can't unsee it. There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
"Nothing is romantic about getting slapped in the face with a rose stem after you look up to yell at that loud ass helicopter."
You know this is how that shit would go in real life. Fucking stupid "romantic" movies.
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I'm a heretic. Feel free to drive me from your midst.
Also, this isn't even an original excuse. Didn't Jessica Simpson say the exact same thing...that is was The Notebook that gave her the notion that her marriage was over? (I'm sure I remember reading that at the time.) I saw the Notebook. OK. Not life changing.
My vision of world peace: a chicken in every pot, and pot for all us chickens...and weasels.
Ehhh... that movie got gay when I realized the Christian influences behind some of the scenes and the philosophy of the story. Like Sparks himself, who is a fairly religious writer.. appealing to the lowest common denominator that we're all afraid of death, but at least imagine a happy place afterward. I like my shit more real. I enjoyed the movie all right (especially the scenes where they were alone in that big old house) until toward the ending.. which sucked donkey balls.
ubmitted by SANS FARDS on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 4:33pm.
Submitted by Kizzy on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:43pm.
OMG that was some shitastic fuckery!! How a one night stand goes wrong...as told by R. Kelly. Wow. I knew Trey Parker and Matt Stone were comedic geniuses, but dayum, I have an all new appreciation for them now. Their version is still much MUCH more entertaining than this.
Stick to pissing on chicks, dude. My ears thankU.
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
I couldn't even get through the whole movie. I can't believe anyone would admit to crying at the end.
Submitted by Datura on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 10:59am.
I was a skinny, pink preemie. I looked like an earthworm until I was two months old.
I gotta get that memoir. Seriously.
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 2:56pm.
too bad that helicopter didn't drop a rainfall of concrete and hellfire
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I can't even begin to tell you how much I needed this laugh.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Submitted by OneLiner on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 4:07pm
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If I remember correctly a writer for Vibe magazine was investigating it too back in '94. It was a big scandal back then.
(973) Jersey Strong
Submitted by Kizzy on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:43pm.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:28pm.
Isnt this the fool who did that craptastic Locked in the Closet series? I was certain he lost his marbles when I heard that mess. The radio station I listen to played it cos it was so bad, it was good!
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Is that "real", or the South Park ones?
edited to add: I really don't think I can handle it if we've gone from "Six degrees of separation" to "Six drops of piss between R.Kelly and Tom Cruise"
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oh no. Trapped in the Closet real. It's very, very, real. Youtube that mess and be prepared for the unholy display of fuckery you are about to witness.
That, btw, is one of the best South Park episodes (the other being the one where they make fun of Inception). "THEN I PULL OUT MAH GUN....."
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"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
- Yogi Berra
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 4:10pm.
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Robert Kelly has written and produced some big hits over the past twenty years.
(973) Jersey Strong
Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 4:12pm.
I HATE that song soooooooo much. I can remember in EVERY retail store I went into had that playing when it came out. It was like a Twilight Zone episode. I thought I was going insane!
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 4:10pm.
oh, yeah... now you're gettin' there, Cupps... can you taste the bile yet?
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
Submitted by OneLiner on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:38pm.
He should talk about why his marriage to Aaliyah ended..oh that's right! she was only 15!!!
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What he married a 15 year old girl??
I don't know anything about this assclown other that his claim to fame was pissing on some chick right??
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R. Kelly Produced Aaliyah's Album "age ain't nothing but a number" (mmm...I wonder why they chose that name) its been reported that they eloped, Aaliyah was 15 but lied and said she was 18 in order to get married, R. kelly was I believe around 30 at the time...the marriage was annulled when Aaliyah's parents found out
********* SAVE A LIFE. ADOPT A PET *********
HI JACK AND ESE!
*heads to youtube to investigate R.Pedo's "sound".
HOLY SHIT, HE DID THAT STUPID FUCKING I BELIEVE I CAN FLY SONG!?!?
NOW, I hate him even more!
Submitted by perky on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:50pm.
Brian Griffin's "Faster Than The Speed of Love".
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA classic
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
Hahahahahahaha...Like Jerry Sandusky only with little girls!!!
Submitted by OneLiner on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:38pm.
He should talk about why his marriage to Aaliyah ended..oh that's right! she was only 15!!!
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What he married a 15 year old girl??
I don't know anything about this assclown other that his claim to fame was pissing on some chick right??
Submitted by luvsmekitty on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:45pm.
The poster actually looks like Kirsten Dunst is Alicia Silverstoning Christian Bale.
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LOL, It does doesn't it! I like KiKi, she kinda cute snaggletooth and all:P
Yeah ...after he was done crying. He scribed in his notebook how his new mission in life was to use his time on earth deflowering 15 year old virgins.
I wanna poo poo. I wanna pee pee. I wanna piss on you. -- Dave Chappelle.
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
@GG OMG ROFLMAO I had no idea South Park parodied him, and they were real songs!! I thought they just did it cuz it was funny, and he was sketchy like Cruise and Travolta, ROFL
But yes, that series is his hip hopera, according to Wikipedia.*snicker*
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by elmo533 on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:18pm.
Soulacoaster? Really? I just can't with R "What do you mean by young girls?" Kelly.
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I am TOTALLY there with you. "Soulacoaster" sounds like it should be the sequel to Brian Griffin's "Faster Than The Speed of Love".
I misunderstood "artist" RKelly, when, the first time I saw his "videos" with the ongoing storyline, I though he was a comic goofing on soap operas. Not R&B. He's all flavors of wrong. Now blaming The Notebook. That's a stretch, there, strange one.
My vision of world peace: a chicken in every pot, and pot for all us chickens...and weasels.
The poster actually looks like Kirsten Dunst is Alicia Silverstoning Christian Bale.
I've never seen this crapitty movie.
Drama (pedo) Queen!
Kizzy, it's real...scarey but true.
Submitted by mike on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:31pm.
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Yes, the ex Mrs. Murphy looks a bit mannish. That could change if she eats more breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
(973) Jersey Strong
He should talk about why his marriage to Aaliyah ended..oh that's right! she was only 15!!!
and I remember buying the DVD to the "Notebook" watching it for the first time and having very high expectations and being very disappointed!
********* SAVE A LIFE. ADOPT A PET *********
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:28pm.
Isnt this the fool who did that craptastic Locked in the Closet series? I was certain he lost his marbles when I heard that mess. The radio station I listen to played it cos it was so bad, it was good!
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Is that "real", or the South Park ones?
edited to add: I really don't think I can handle it if we've gone from "Six degrees of separation" to "Six drops of piss between R.Kelly and Tom Cruise"
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
does he have eye issues? always thought he had some difficulty or somethin...I dunno
Coma Caca!
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Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:25pm.
I guess I am not familiar with R.Pedo's music.
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you take that back right now!!... i will not stand here(sitting, while opening a box of Ritz crackers, to be honest)idly, and have you call anything this spoken nonsense to a bad electronic beat, bullshit, dipshit has ever done... "music"... oh, no!.. not today, cupster!
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
Submitted by Sayonara on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:17pm.
Submitted by mike on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 2:50pm.
Is it the wife who's in the new Hollywood Exes show? She looks old enough to be his mom.
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I do agree that she looks older than I expected, but she has a killer body and can dance her ass off.
I only saw a promo. I also learned that Prince had been married, and at least one of Eddie Murphy's wives looks like a tranny.
HollyG -- have you watched the VH1 show "Hollywood Exes" with R. Kelly's ex-wife? They've made more than a few references to her "mansion" in Chicago. I wonder if that's the house you're talking about or the house she got in the divorce. I take it you're from Chicago (I am)?
CUPPY!!!!!
*hums "Bump and Grind" by R Kelly*
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
Isnt this the fool who did that craptastic Locked in the Closet series? I was certain he lost his marbles when I heard that mess. The radio station I listen to played it cos it was so bad, it was good!
Submitted by Sayonara on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:21pm.
Oh! Thanks for answering. I don't know why I always thought he did that song. I guess I am not familiar with R.Pedo's music.
UGH! Not only does every Sparks' movie make me roll my eyes the entire time, but this bitch! I liked it when he was doing jack shit and people stopped caring about his ass. (I guess 'allegedly' peeing on 14 year olds will do that.) My parents live a few towns over from him and near a popular concert venue and in his heyday people would drive around the nicer subdivisions looking for R. Kelly's house. I'm glad that dump is in foreclosure.
"Where I come from, that's called a vacation from a vacation." --MK
Submitted by MahatMaCoat on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:20pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 3:06pm.
What a little bitch... YOU STILL HAVE A FUCKING FRIDGE DON'T YOU?!!!!!
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Jack, what does this mean?!
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It is a reference to my whore ex wife, when she sold my refrigerator. lol stupid I know.
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
Twat Muffin: sure thing. See you in OP ;).