This post definitely needs a soundtrack:
Katie Holmes is probably used to having the eyes of Scientology handlers glued to the back of her head so she doesn’t take swimming lessons, fake her death on a yacht trip, run away to a small town and fall in love with Kevin Anderson. But TMZ says that since Katie Holmes is going hard at Tommy Girl by filing for sole custody of Suri, Scientology has stepped up their spying game. For the past few weeks, two SUVs have been trailing Katie’s every move on the outside and several paparazzo who regularly stalk the estranged Bride of Scientology tell TMZ that the dudes driving those SUVs are not the paparazzi or from the tabloids. Cut to Katie opening up her medicine cabinet and finding that all of the butt lube bottles in there are turned with their labels facing out. They’re watching you, girl!
None of this is surprising since I’m sure the top (and bottom, and versatile) queens of Scientology are not happy that Katie is trying to take away their golden child and screwing with Princess Tommy Girl. Katie has even moved out of the NYC apartment she shared with Tommy. TMZ says that in the past few weeks, Tommy has checked into a hotel every time he’s been in town and hasn’t slept one night in TomKat’s apartment. Katie is living in a new apartment she rented weeks ago to prepare for the day she ripped her marriage contract straight in Tommy’s face. Also, Katie filed for divorce in New York, because she has a better chance of getting sole custody of Suri here. But Radar says that Tommy is taking off his earrings, putting on all his chunkiest rings and slathering his face with Vaseline, because he’s ready for a fight. Tommy’s lawyers will respond to Katie’s divorce filing this week by asking the New York court to move the case to California. Tommy will file his own divorce papers in California for both tax reasons and Suri-getting reasons. Tommy doesn’t want anyone to think their primary residence is in NYC, because that will fuck with his taxes.
I bet in a galaxy nearby, L. Ron Hubbard is punching his Thetans right in the face. Now Scientology knows that the media is watching them watching Katie’s ass. But still, Katie should still go to Matt Lauer’s apartment and make him drool into an empty perfume bottle. Then she needs to spray the essence of glib all over her body. Those Scientology crazies won’t get near that scent. Or she can just always wear a long coat made of antidepressants. Because those creepy alien whores are scarier than John Travolta’s chomping-at-the-bit anus and they’re really capable of anything.
UPDATE: One of the lawyers for Scientology deny their following Katie and we should believe him, because it’s not like everything that comes out of Scientology’s mouth is the opposite of the truth.
Here’s a few pictures of the two SUVs allegedly busting some Scientology surveillance shit on Katie. I also threw in some pictures of a sad Tommy being sad on a sad helicopter ride.