Alec Baldwin Got Married, Managed Not To Curse A Bitch Out While Doing So
28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin's second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina's husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife "a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig" in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.
People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can't wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.
You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I'd like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria's veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando's widow:
Congratulations to Alec's colorist for getting it RIGHT!
• 
OMG, I am peeing into my bladder control pads! Orlando's widow! Good god Micheal, how your mind works! Thanks.
Hekki: My sister was developmentally disabled. Back when she was small, there were absolutely no educational opportunities for her. John F. Kennedy changed all that. My parents worshiped the ground any Kennedy walks on.
Submitted by Hekki on Sun, 07/01/2012 - 2:11pm.
well australians are somewhat obsessed with american politics and we have always been told that the kennedys are like american royalty.
i know one of them got off scott free for murdering a woman, but apart from that i dont know much else besides the assasination and the hot son jr.
Submitted by Honey_Badger on Sun, 07/01/2012 - 2:12pm
thank you "Salma Honey" (lol at your inadvertent drunky i.d. change story). holy fuck they both look horrible!
class, drug are bad, mmmmmm 'kay?
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
GTL: Ireland IS gorgeous. She looks like a sulky little B, if I do say so, though.
Unless she was home-schooled, with a name like "Hilaria", I'm sure she is used to being bullied. She and Alec will get on just fine.
loopy: A certain generation (my parents') worships the Kennedys. I don't know anyone my age who thinks they're anything special. They're a bunch of criminal scumbags, IMO.
Now, my father loved him because he had some program to get poor people free or low cost heating oil via Hugo Chavez and my dad benefited from that a couple of times.
My MIL thinks they're the bees' knees, too. She'll acknowledge their vile personal lives but praise what they've done for the environment, etc.
@ Foxxy: Crazy Stephen has the sunglasses on and no longer has a neck.
Billy has the Paul D, Jersey Shore hairstyle going on.
Mark my words, in 3 months time, Alec will be back to his fighting weight of 350lbs. Now that he is a married man, he can let himself go and start eating carbs again.
+++++++++++++
Or the artist formerly known as SalmaNella
Man, Tina Fey's husband is Hobbit-sized!
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Sun, 07/01/2012 - 2:05pm.
oh yahhhh Tina's outfit no no...
its just shapeless and the fabric looks shit, even though its probably gucci and cost $4000.
is that Stephen with the sunglasses or Billy? are Alec and Daniel on the outs?
normally love Tina Fey's styling but here she looks like she stopped by H&M on the way to the church
big brass balls to walk into a church, RFK Jr. big brass balls that should have been struck by lightening as soon as you hit the threshold.
ETA: *lightning
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
The age old saying "When you marry for money you'll earn every penny" will certainly apply to Hilaria in this case...good luck you'll need it! Though I would have ridden Alec long and hard circa 15-20 years ago *shameless slut for hairy blue eyed hunks confession*
Ireland maybe a selfish little pig but she is a Gorgeous one! The Kim Basinger genes did her good!
********
Someone by the bar keeps looking at us dancing. I see him starring at me, I see what he wants be
********
>:- (
Mr. Mercury ♥
Hope she can take a drunken punch.
Submitted by Hekki on Sun, 07/01/2012 - 1:57pm.
im from australia, so we dontknow much bout the kennedys.
but i always thought they were like american royalty, and people worship them cuz they were goody two shoes.
Submitted by swarm-of-locusts on Sun, 07/01/2012 - 1:59pm.
it would seem so, wow 35 years old and BAM...downhill from there, you'd wanna bang them when they are in the 20s then..not now when they look bloated.
Alecclooks like Trump with his hair like that.
Submitted by loopygorilla on Sun, 07/01/2012 - 1:54pm.
omg pls dont tell me thumb 8, 9 is WILLIAM BALDWIN?!!!
i used to fantasize about him in sliver....
wow if that is him, he didnt age well. ill take back my fantasies thank you very much, i want a refund.
Submitted by loopygorilla on Sun, 07/01/2012 - 1:54pm.
omg pls dont tell me thumb 8, 9 is WILLIAM BALDWIN?!!!
i used to fantasize about him in sliver....
wow if that is him, he didnt age well. ill take back my fantasies thank you very much, i want a refund.
_____________________________________________
My best gay says that the Baldwin Brothers have a shelf-life. They start to curdle after 35 years.
**************************************************
Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
is mariska pregnant?
cuz she looks it in that dress.
Also in attendance was Piece of Shit Robert Kennedy Jr.
Several sources are reporting this, but here's a blurb from Radar:
"In new court papers filed late last week in New York, it's alleged that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. failed to pay his wife's legal bills and left her so tight for cash she often had to ask friends for money just to buy groceries."
Oh, but I'm sure he'll be nicer to YOU when he's done with you, Cheryl MonkeyFace Hines!
He invited every scumbag possible: Woody Allen, Robert Kennedy JR, Stephen Baldwin.
Tina Fey, I'm disappointed in you. How could you possibly breathe in the same air as Woody??
Where is Daniel Baldwin or is he still in rehab?
+++++++++++++
Or the artist formerly known as SalmaNella
I don't believe she is a yoga instructor because if she would used her charkas to help calm him down.
Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.
omg pls dont tell me thumb 8, 9 is WILLIAM BALDWIN?!!!
i used to fantasize about him in sliver....
wow if that is him, he didnt age well. ill take back my fantasies thank you very much, i want a refund.
Congrats to Hilaria for making the most of Alec's midlife crisis. No matter how much weight he loses, how often he dyes his hair, or how "cool dad" he dresses, Alec Baldwin will always look like that chick's dad.
**************************************************
Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
What's impressive to me is that she is so "normal" looking. I mean, this guy divorced Kim Basinger, and walked away from Cindy Crawford when he saw her sans fards.
LMAO! From today's NY Post:
This isn’t a marriage. It’s a cry for help!
Oh, Alec. Dear, depraved and desperate Alec. Why didn’t you wait for me?
Alec Baldwin, a ripe and bloated age 54, walked into the Basilica of Old St. Patrick’s last night, hunched over and head bowed as if attending his own firing squad. He showed up to marry 28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas, the planet’s second-biggest numbskull after Alec himself.
Alec pretended he just wanted privacy with his bride, but we know better.
For Alec craves attention like a double-cheese pepperoni pizza. From the paparazzi. And especially from me.
Too late, big guy. You’re Hilaria’s.
I showed up prepared to crash the wedding. But common sense and a restraining order I once seriously considered obtaining against The Bloviator prevented me from kissing the bridegroom.
In the days leading to his Hilaria hitching, Alec displayed his dark side, which is his only side, by staging the world’s scariest series of hissy fits. His daughter, Ireland — whom he once called a “thoughtless little pig” in a an infamously frightening voicemail — attributed Dad’s loopiness to “pre-wedding stress.’’
Or maybe it’s wedding-day stress. On the happiest day of his life, he looked like he wanted to punch someone. As adoring fans shouted congratulations to the grumpy groom, he ignored them, instead gazing at the ground.
Now we know he was just marrying the wrong gal.
Alec walked, or rode his bike, illegally, Friday on the public sidewalks, daring photogs to take his picture, and attacking poor working stiffs half his size.
He grabbed two shutterbugs by the arms. Then the avowed liberal insulted both his own Catholic faith and African Americans, first screaming insanely at Splash shooter Brian Prahi’s face: “I know you got raped by a priest.’’
He told a black photographer: “You gotta back up there, Rodney,’’ though the lensman’s name wasn’t Rodney. Was it a mistake? Or a reminder of the late Rodney King, infamously beaten by Los Angeles police?
Alec, you really need help.
It won’t come from me.
All the way to the altar, he whined like a toddler and begged like a puppy.
He stamped his little feet. And he stalked me like an escaped convict on Twitter, once writing, “Andrea Peyser, you are as bad a writer as you are filled with self-hatred. Go back to Langan’s [a bar near The Post building] and bring a Strunk and White [a writer’s style book].”
He continued his rants while on vacation in Italy with Hilaria, telling me, his greatest frenemy, that he really cares.
Now it’s time for the honeymoon, but it’s unclear which airline will service a man so full of bile against women and people in uniform that he got booted off a flight for refusing to turn off his smartphone.
It’s barely begun. But can this marriage be saved?
If Hilaria has any sense, and that’s debatable, she’ll run for the hills with a chunk of Alec’s money. Fair payment for being stuck with an angry misogynist badly in need of medication. Or a straitjacket.
Besides, I’m taken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org