The Writer Of 50 Shades Of Grey Is Making $1.34 Million A Week
Twilight fanfic writer turned New York Times best-selling author E.L. James is orgasming with her entire body weekly and it's not from reading her own book, that's for fucking sure. It's from reading her bank statement. As each week goes by, E.L. becomes a million dollars richer and she owes it all such beautiful poetry like this:
“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come."
And:
“Christian, you had me at the meadow.”
Celebrity Net Worth (via EW) says that thanks to those exquisite words and millions of horny housewives not knowing about something called free online porn have helped E.L. sell over 20 million copies worldwide. E.L. takes 7% of every $14 paperback sold and another 25% of every $10 ebook downloaded. So they crunched those numbers together and figured out that this September she'll get a $20 million check from her publisher.
As I said before, I tried reading that mess and quickly realized that a better use for my fingers is to press play on hardcore online porn instead of turning the pages of that wreck. That shit is about as erotic as a dominatrix Rosie O'Donnell. But you know, E.L. got my money (because I'm a dumb sheeeeeeple) and so I guess she wins. Seriously, I should get beat for spending my money on that shit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to open up my dusty Microsoft Word and write a trilogy about a society of spark vamps who have to beat the safe word out of each other in their capitol's annual Bondage Games.
• 
I read the Heller series by JD Nixon...outshines this shit by miles...
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...the end
Wow! Just reading one paragraph is painful. People will read everything if it's promoted right. *cringe*
I will pass on this.
(973) Jersey Strong
"Here you go Doggie-
http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/
Not familiar with Batdog, so I can't say, but it has me rolling."
That tumblr is awesome. As for the Batdog one, I think they're referring to textsfromdog.tumblr.com. It's hilarious.
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It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:56pm.
I think the bad part was that i actually thought I would like it, I love Kitschy entertainment, I'll even watch those really bad z-list movies the sci-fi channel makes, but this was just beyond bad, it's like whenever she got writers block she made the characters have sex, sex becomes the answer for everything, to me that sounds like a great book until you read it and she uses "Oh My" and refers to her inner goddess I seriously wanted to smash my head against the wall
I'm going to check out Rice's Beauty books, I love Anne Rice but i've never read that series
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I wish I had multiple Alts, that way I won't be so lonely when I'm talking to myself
What kind of shitty prose is that? Imagine how much money all of you funny hoes could make.
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"Sal, darling, you are the reason some women go gay. ♥" - Submitted by Dog on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 6:32pm.
"life is precious, you must not have watched The Lion King, you heartless fuck"
Submitted by MrrKat on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 7:04pm.
Have you ever read the novels on which True Blood is based? My mom started tallying plot lapses, wrong character names, misspelled words, and had to stop at three notebook pages (front and back) in the first 2/3 of one "novel."
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I read a few of them as a teenager, and adored them. I re-read a few of them recently, and wow they're bad.
It's one of the reasons I'm not all that worried about The State of Literature. People grow out of things. They sometimes need something mindless and poorly written.
Even if it is aimed at stoooopid people, it's a discrete market. It's not like that particular niche is going to be reading, say, Dostoevsky in the original Russian. 50 Shades sounds truly awful, but it's not stealing anyone's time or attention away from well written stuff.
I'd heard it was bad, but I had no idea it was THAT bad. Who buys this shit?
Submitted by Rdeadline on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:59pm.
You have a valid point. Might as well take advantage of mediocrity appraised as fine writing!
Have you ever read the novels on which True Blood is based? My mom started tallying plot lapses, wrong character names, misspelled words, and had to stop at three notebook pages (front and back) in the first 2/3 of one "novel."
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go shred the novel I've been working on for the last four years.
Are you kidding? My own thoughts are way dirtier than that - and better written. I'm becoming ashamed of the level to which literature (ha ha ha) has sunk in the last 10 yrs. alone. While I'm getting an evening martini ready I shall contemplate whether it's a good thing the sheep are even reading at this point ... or not.
I'm not a BDSM person, but I agree with Swarmie - Rice's Sleeping Beauty series is a good read even if that lifestyle really isn't your thing.
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:41pm.
To add to the misery of bad books, I just read that the Jenner brats are "writing" a teen novel!
An editor I follow on Twitter said the Jenners are writing a science fiction novel. The only science fiction I see in that is an imaginary world in which they actually have between them two brain cells to rub together.
Good for her for making tons of money off suckers. It's the same sort of non erotic semi-literate crap that is in a series that's gone to shit, Anita Blake vampire hunter. Except instead of raising zombies and killing vamps Anita is doing bad mary sue bondage sex with vamps and weres and whatever else. I only know about this crap, because if the series was all sex I wouldn't have read any of it, because the first 9 books are full of pulp mystery and then the author started doing drugs and went mad because there are 11 more books that are nothing like the first 9. See, Anita gets a supernatural std called the aduer that makes her need sex every few hours. This is the most um-empowered thing ever, since it makes her have sex with strangers and guys she doesn't like. While fans of the early books complain, the author has fans of her current slopped together books, WHO ONLY READ HER BOOKS. OVER AND OVER. They are very young or middle aged. These women probably have branched out to read Shades of Gray. The author of Anita Blake is fucking bat shit, imo, so some of you might get a kick out of looking into it.
Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:23pm.
I love Pearls before Swine, i had never heard of it before I met my husband, he had an entire book of the comic strips and made me sit down and read it, the comic strip book section is one of my favorite sections at barnes
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I wish I had multiple Alts, that way I won't be so lonely when I'm talking to myself
I heard they are making the movie, I would love to see Katie Holmes in this so she can get her groove back. SUCK IT TOM !!!!
Doobies and Boobies--Brandon Brown
The only 50 Shades of Barf excerpts I've read have been here on the D, and have underwhelmed me. It's like Twilight meets amateur night at the swingers' club meets Creative Writing 101.
For good (kinky!) erotica, try The Leather Daddy and the Femme by Carol Queen.
To add to the misery of bad books, I just read that the Jenner brats are "writing" a teen novel!
Anne Rice's Beauty Series is 10x better if you're looking for fangirl bdsm rewrites. At least that's what I've suggested to people who are looking to dip their toes in that world. There's a little something for any persuasion. I learned about human ponies from those books so it was worth it for that alone.
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
I want a public database of all pervs who bought that shit and fap to this. Preferably merged with the pedo database so they know who they are.
--
Do you want a banana?
No i don't wanna
OMG EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL! Go to the OP. I have a critical question for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by heima on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:29pm.
At 30yo I still don't know how this world works...
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It's simple - everything goes downhill and the best attitude is to not give a shit about it.
Is it really a passage from the book? Is she really so illiterate and lacklustre? I could write better than her in my broken English or in my hyper-cryptic Italian. A pity my self-awareness is so high I can't even imaging to ridicule myself with such form of ""art"".
At 30yo I still don't know how this world works...
Well, for women who believe that this is how a "good stud" would talk: If you ever meet a man who says shit like this - run like hell, cause he is the worst catch ever.
Are grown women really that stupid and inexperienced to read shit like this? Wow!
Submitted by Mel-Tang on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:10pm.
Well then, I stand corrected. I don't know any women who have read the book.
Submitted by MooseMama on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:19pm.
Some are LOL funny and some he's trying too hard.
Speaking of comics, ever read Pearls Before Swine? Absolutely hysterical. Zeeba is my fave cuz he's so damn gullible.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by MizRo on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:09pm.
Ewe: thank you for the recommendations.
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Anytime. I guess it depends on your tastes, but I find those erotic enough. If you want more emotional I think The Surrender by Toni Bentley does the trick (submission lite) if you want sick and shocking shit read Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. Gah! That book fucking ruined me!
And then you've got Anais Nin and Marques De Sade
and on and on and on. Anything BUT E L James!
Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:00pm.
OMG Dog! i was wondering where my friends were getting those dog text messages, i remember reading the comics in the newspaper (back when they had daily comic strips, i miss them) and these texts remind me of a comic strip, awesomeness
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I wish I had multiple Alts, that way I won't be so lonely when I'm talking to myself
Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:14pm.
I smell fuckery afoot. Migraineuse is not here to bang on about misogyny
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Srsly. I've been known to bang on about mysogny too, but there's a point where the message is lost because of the way it's delivered.
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Enjoy SANS FARDS and let me know what you think whe you're done.
Good night all - have a sessy Saturday night.
I smell fuckery afoot. Migraineuse is not here to bang on about misogyny.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
www.literotica.com - this has been my go to source for much happy fapping for years!!!!!
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Certified Slore
MizRo, I'll have to check out Story of O. I have read some Marquis de Sade and so I've gotten into the really heavy stuff....but everyone is raving about that one. Beach reading, here I come!
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"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
- Yogi Berra
I don't know how these morons that call themselves feminists can sit back and blame men for the problems women face getting anywhere in society. It sure as fuck ain't men running out to buy this shit.
And on another note, WOMEN are the reason why female writers are never taken seriously or given a chance to get published unless they are writing crap like this that doesn't require the employment of a single brain cell. I fucking despise the times I am living in.
Evil cupcake...most of the women who I know that have read it are attractive, successful and thin. Most of them are in a secure relationship, and have kids. Go figure! Lol
www.poopreport.com :)
<3-------------------------------<3
RIMADYL KILLS
This book is so badly written it has inspired me to write one and make millions. Cuz if she can get published so can I.
Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:58pm.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:56pm.
You just know that Ian Somerhalder is going to be asked to play Christian in the movie that inevitably gets made about this dreck.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Then I'd have to watch it and that would be wrong.
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CO-SIGN !!!!
Ewe: thank you for the recommendations.
the worst part was when my more sexually conservative friend asked me why in the book does Ana say it feels good when he hits her with a riding crop in the clit. I've been with my husband for 10 years and we've tried a little bit of S&M but i've never wanted him to hit me in the clit and i couldn't imagine that actually would feel good
ugh i managed to say no to the twatlight shit and the hongary games, hopefully i remember this the next time i'm tempted to be a sheepie
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I wish I had multiple Alts, that way I won't be so lonely when I'm talking to myself
Submitted by MizRo on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:55pm.
Read the "The Story of O" or "Lady Chatterlain's Lover" ignorant assholes...
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The Story of O - yes. Lady Chatterley's Lover bored me to death.
I say read Venus in Furs by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch and One Hundred Strokes of the Brush Before Bed by Melissa P. for good erotica.
Noop. As soon as I heard 'submissive' I said fuck that shit. Change that scenario to the chick tying up male asswipe with his Xbox cords, walking out stylishly while telling him to go fuck himself, THAT might make it a tad more readable :D
~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♦¤♦~♥~♥~♦¤♦~♥~
FANTA FANTA, NO COKE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lnRDU4LdZE
Meat Loaf was in the middle of a show when his knees suddenly hit the stage floor like a narcoleptic bat out of hell ~MK
Submitted by mefunigirl on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 6:00pm.
I like Real Estalker too.
As far as 50 Shades, the idea that she and her husband "researched" the stuff makes me want to puke!
This is not what most women want to read. As an intelligent woman, I want to say that I never even thought about reading this. This is CRAP and I am embarrassed to see it and its sequels on the top of bestseller lists.
SANS FARDS!! "Chatterleys" my bad - and I'm STILL wondering where that rugged man may be! *chuckling*
I stole my Mom's 'Valley of the Dolls' and 'Coffee, Tea or Me?' when I was about 9: I was sexualized early.
I really LOVED the "Story of O" though - like enthralled with it.
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:53pm.
same here, that, the D, and real estalker (I know, but I love beautiful homes) keep me entertained long after everyone has gone to bed....there are others, but those are my go-to's
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:57pm.
Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:13pm.
And might I say that this author is so fug, I would think the only way she gets any sex at all is to tie the guy up and not let him leave!
Her husband is a fucking fat greasy slob just like her. Apparently he helped her """research""" for the book. Utterly disgusting.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Where did they go, a hog farm at rutting time?
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Thanks, Eeeevil.
You have to appreciate English humor to appreciate Batdog. He is a dog who thinks he's a superhero and the site is "texts" between him and his owner.
http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:56pm.
You just know that Ian Somerhalder is going to be asked to play Christian in the movie that inevitably gets made about this dreck.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Then I'd have to watch it and that would be wrong.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by MizRo on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:55pm.
Read the "The Story of O" or "Lady Chatterlain's Lover" ignorant assholes...
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YES. D.H. Lawrence is awesome. I remember secretly reading my mom's copy of Lady Chatterley in h.s. and being like OMG ESCANDALO!!!
Where can I get one of those rugged gamekeepers with an unintelligible English accent?
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"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
- Yogi Berra
This is why I only borrow books from the library. I can't imagine paying $25 for a book anymore. I only buy books that I read more than once, like the Harry Potter ones.
Here you go Doggie-
http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/
Not familiar with Batdog, so I can't say, but it has me rolling.
Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 5:13pm.
And might I say that this author is so fug, I would think the only way she gets any sex at all is to tie the guy up and not let him leave!
Her husband is a fucking fat greasy slob just like her. Apparently he helped her """research""" for the book. Utterly disgusting.