Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 30, 2012 / Posted by:

The exquisitely hideous yellow leather couch that started it all! Going back and watching Tommy Girl’s hilariously priceless, cushion-smashing, choreographed declaration of beard love on Oprah reminded me just what a magnificent showgirl of insanity that bitch can be. I’ve seen mentally sick bitches on meth act more sane than this. There are three sides to Tommy: crazy, crazier and craziest and during that show he took his third side to whole new levels. I wish we saw that side of Tommy more, because bitch put on a show. Tommy almost broke Oprah’s wrists in a game of mercy and he actually dropped to his knees without someone waving an RTPP (ready-to-party peen) at him. I mean, who does the touchdown knee drop besides Tim Tebow or hos who have just made an actual touchdown? It’s like Tommy just won the Beard Super Bowl. I wouldn’t go that far. Katie Holmes was/is a good beard, but I wouldn’t call her a High Priestess of Bearding like Kelly Preston or Deborra Lee-Furness.

If you haven’t already, it’s worth a re-watch (this is the best cut I could find). It’s like Tommy suddenly becomes his Magnolia character, but instead of freaking out over conquering pussy, he’s freaking out over getting the prime seat in the Scientology’s men’s spa, because he signed on a prime beard. Jump for your beard, bitch!

Now, about that yellow leather couch….

I don’t blame Tommy for jumping on that thing. I would too, but not because I wanted to convince the world that I’m in love with my soon-to-be prisoner. But because that yellow couch is ugly and must be destroyed with my feet. Seriously, that yellow couch is so ugly it’s beautiful. It’s like sitting on a giant piss bag (“Hello, Levitz, I’d like to buy your entire stock of yellow leather sofas, please.” – Kim Kardashian) I really hope that Oprah got the yellow couch in her divorce from ABC and that she gave it to Tommy, because it really belongs to him and the Museum of Scientology Artifacts. I also hope that yesterday Tommy had that yellow sofa shipped to Iceland, so that he can jump on it while cursing Katie’s name for trying to fuck him over and not in a jizz-inducing way either. That yellow couch needs to come full circle.

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