Woe Is Johnny Depp

June 27, 2012 / Posted by:

Lainey at Lainey Gossip read and covered UsWeekly’s cover story about the tragic demise of VaJohnny, and you’ll believe all of it if you believe that Vanessa Paradis nagged at Johnny Depp so much that he finally walked the plank of their marriage and dove face-first into a sea of snatch. Vanessa  whine cried at Johnny about living on a private island with just the kids, so he drowned his sorrows in his publicist’s chocha. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about wanting to move to Los Angeles, so he drowned his sorrows in Amber Heard’s twat. It was kind of like a drinking game. Every time Vanessa bitched about something, Johnny did a shot of punane. Lainey broke UsWeekly’s mess of a story down like this:

-V wanted to break up 2 years ago because she was unhappy
-V complained all the time about their low key lifestyle. She didn’t want to stay on a private island and quietly raise their babies. She was bored and restless.
-V was the one who wanted to move to LA and that’s when it all unravelled.
-V was the one who insisted that he make big budget Disney movies because she loved the money. Johnny wasn’t interested but only did them for her.
(Please tell me you’re shaking your head and rolling your eyes now.)
-When those movies became big ass deals, V then resented J for his success.

Says an Us Weekly source:

“Nothing Johnny did was ever good enough for Vanessa. When he was working, she wasn’t happy. And when he wasn’t working, he was called a slob for not doing enough for the kids and her family.”

Frustrated and in pain, the only outlet Johnny had was other woman – someone who played a mermaid in Pirates, maybe Eva Green, Amber Heard, his publicist…

That shit reads like it was taken directly from his publicist’s strategy book marked “How To Spin It So JD Doesn’t Look Like He’s Crashing Directly Into A Mid-Life Crises.” UsWeekly forgot to include the one where Vanessa tried to kill all of Johnny’s hotness by sucking his sense of style through the portal of doom between her front teefs. Seriously, if Vanessa whined at him about everything, couldn’t she have whined at him about dressing like what it would look like if a witch turned a Sedona souvenir shop into a human?

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