The Spice Girls Reunite And Posh Could Give A Shit

CORRECTION: That headline is factually wrong, because Posh can’t physically give a shit. Posh had her entire digestive system removed, because it’s not like she uses it anyway and it was getting in the way of her having a waist smaller than a grasshopper’s peen shaft. So I should’ve wrote: Posh Could Give A Queef.

So, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Baby Spice and Tall Olsen Spice all gathered in front of the steps where they zig-a-zig-ah-ed in the Wannabe video 16 years ago to officially announce the Spice Girls musical. The musical will start with Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby discovering a miserable alien in a crashed asteroid and molding her into the Dark Crystal praying mantis she is today. Jennifer Saunders (that’s Edina Monsoon to you and me) wrote the musical’s book and Judy Craymer (the one in the pictures below who looks like an Asian Ellen Barkin) is producing it. Viva Forever! will open at the Piccadilly Theater in London’s West End this December.

Here’s Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby being all excited about getting a check while trying to ignore the luxury-wrapped skinny black cloud of poutiness next to them:

Oh, Posh, please forever remain that angst-ridden Emo goth teen who ruins Christmas by looking as miserable as possible while sitting at the dinner table. Seriously, I kept waiting for Posh to pull out a razor and start cutting herself while reciting Morrissey lyrics.