All 100 of the orange shorts-wearing beauties from last night’s Miss Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant sponsored by Bud Light. Every single one of them.
As I was drunkenly flipping channels last night, I came across a silicone wonderland of pure class filled with naranja-skinned flowers in bikinis. It was the 16th Annual Miss Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant on FX and it was EVERYTHING.
Each Hooters location put one of their girls on a flying buffalo wing and sent her to Miami to compete for the title and a $50,000 prize. Everything about this pageant was right from its host (Mark McGrath!) to Bud Light being the main sponsor to Hooters girls serving beer in the audience to the celebrity judges. When I say “celebrity judges” I mean I’ve never heard of even one of them. I figured that maybe one of the judges would be the dude who punched Snooki in the first season of Jersey Shore or maybe a dude who once shared a line off of a call girl’s cooch with Charlie Sheen, but nope. Every single one of the celebrity judges’ names made my brain burp up a question mark. But that was all part of the magic.
The best part of that mess of a pageant was when each girl introduced herself to us and then awkwardly sashayed down a runway while Mark McGrath read off her life goals. Every girl wore like 15-inch platform heels and most of them couldn’t walk in that shit. So they looked like a constipated penguin on stilts trying to walk on a conveyer belt moving the opposite way. As they stumbled down that catwalk, Mark McGrath read off their ambitions and I started to sense a theme. They either wanted to be a dental hygienist AND a Victoria’s Secret model, a pharmaceutical sales rep AND a Victoria’s Secret model, a radiology technician AND a Victoria’s Secret model, a TV host AND a Victoria’s Secret model, a cancer curer AND a Victoria’s Secret model, a famous interior designer AND a Victoria’s Secret model, the owner of a no-kill animal shelter AND a Victoria’s Secret model or just a plain Victoria’s Secret model. Every one of those beauties was my favorite, but here’s three of my favorite favorites. They’re probably my favorite favorites, because they don’t want to be Victoria’s Secret model and because they made me spit up wine.
“Megan is studying theoretical astrophysics at the University of Nottingham. She would love to become an astronaut and explore the moon and other planets.”
“Tasha’s studying pharmaceutical sales and nursing. She would love to become a rep for a pharmaceutical company making drugs that cure cancer.”
“Michelle is still undecided about going to college, but she wants to be a psychologist. And although she’s from New Mexico, she supports the Denver Broncos.”
In the end, Miss Boca Raton, FL won the title of Miss Hooters International, but I felt that I was the one who REALLY won, because I discovered my new favorite pageant next to RuPaul’s Drag Race.
And now I leave you with a quote from last year’s Miss Hooters International:
“I will never forget my time in the orange shorts.”