Behold, The Highest-Paid Actress In Hollywood

June 20, 2012 / Posted by:

The face you just made after reading that headline had more raw emotions and layers of expression in it than the same sedated face Kristen Stewart makes in every frame of every movie she’s in and bitch is still making more money than all of us combined. Forbes put out their annual rich white women in Hollywood list and KStew leads that shit with $34.5 million. That’s like $1 for every blink she makes in that Twatlight mess. Yeah, fuck all of our lives.

To come up with their list, Forbes added up what each actress made in upfront pay, profit participation, residuals, endorsements and advertising work. Since Twihards throw $100 bills at KStew every time their coochies twitch while watching her kiss on RPattz, it’s no surprise that bitch is cutting her weed with white gold flakes. But beyond KStew, most of Forbes’ list is a long skid mark of unflavored vom. It’s a mess. Cameron Diaz? Sarah Jessica Parker? Those two should be on Forbes’ Middlest-Paid list (or a list of Hollywood actresses who can eat your innocent dreams with their faces), not Forbes’ Highest-Paid list. The entire list is below and if it helps, just block out the word “million” and pretend Cammy made $34 total last year.

10. Jennifer Aniston – $12 million
9. Kristen Wiig - $12 million
8. Meryl Streep – $12 million
7. SJP – $15 million
6. Julia Roberts - $16 million
5. Charlize Theron - $18 million
4. Angie Jolie – $20 million
3. Sandra Bullock - $25 million
2. Cameron Diaz – $34 million
1. KStew - $34.5 million

It’s depressing that KStew makes almost three times as much as Meryl Streep. If you ripped off one of Meryl’s toe corns, put a brown wig on it and pushed it in front of a camera, it would exude more real emotions than KStew does. But I can’t fully hate on that mouth breather. Bitch gets paid millions upon millions of dollars to hot box in her trailer for hours and drool out a few written lines in front of a camera before going back to her trailer to hot box some more. Lip bite all the way to the bank, bitch.

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