After months of denying the rumors that he’s drunkenly whoring it up while she’s at home taking care of the chirrun, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have stopped denying and have publicly announced that they are going their separate ways like Vanessa’s front teeth. Johnny Depp’s spokeswhore gave a short and simple statement of words to Entertainment Tonight and confirmed that after 14 years together, he’s no longer sticking his tongue between Vanessa’s gap and they both wish everyone will not sniff up their asses for more information. Johnny doesn’t have to worry about me sticking my nose in his ass, because I’m not about to get butt scabies up in my nostrils. (I’m lying, I still would.) Here’s VaJohnny’s break-up statement:
“Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have amicably separated. Please respect their privacy and, more importantly, the privacy of their children.”
This is the opposite of shocking, I know. VaJohnny hasn’t been photographed together in what seems like centuries and all of their denials just seemed like publicist talk for “mind your own fucking ugly business.” AND Johnny Depp allegedly has the mark of an Olsen on his peen. When your piece has the mark of an Olsen on his peen, you kick him out of the house, torch all his clothes and get the trailer witch to blow sage smoke at your chocha to rid yourself of the troll curse! So yeah, this isn’t surprising.
Every waif-ish, 20-something who always looks hungry should brace herself, because Johnny is ready to whore it up and he’s coming for you! Vanessa should also brace herself, because John Mayer is going to try to complete his transformation into Johnny Depp by coming after her. Get yourself some douche repellent, Vanessa!