SCANDALOSO: Justin Theroux & Jennifer Aniston Bring Their Hard Nipples To The Vatican

When you go to the Vatican, there’s a sign that tells you to cover up your knees and shoulders or a gang of altar boys will drag you into a room where Mad Mel Gibson will scream at you to blow him for an hour. The walls of the Sistine Chapel don’t want to be covered in sin from being exposed to your bare knees and bare shoulders, because:

Child rape: meh.

Bare shoulders and bare knees: Blasphemoso!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: Google Translation tells me “bestemmiare” is Italian for blasphemy, but that just doesn’t have the dramatic effect I was looking for.)

But rules are rules and apparently, Jennifer Aniston only followed half of the rules when she and Justin continued their European photo-op tour by visiting Vatican City yesterday. When a tour guide took Jen and Justin to the Basilica, she covered her shoulders but kept her knees out. This led The Daily Mail to ask the extremely important question: “Did the Vatican bend the rules for Jennifer?” No, the Vatican didn’t bend the rules for Jen’s knees. Jen is just a badass motherfucking rebel now that she’s with the baddest dude in Bel Air. They break rules, that’s just what they do. But seriously…

I went to the Vatican at Christmas times and unfortunately I didn’t see Lucifer show himself through exposed knee caps, but I did see some hotter shit. There were these two really trashy and really glamorous “in a Juicy Couture sweatsuits with heels kind of way” tourists shoving through the crowd in front of the giant nativity scene to get to the front. They shoved at me, I shoved at them and then one of them actually shouted, “Get the fuck out of the way, I want to see the Baby Jesus!” Baby Jesus has been gifted with gold, frankincense and myrrh, but the greatest gift he ever got was the gift of the fuck word from two pieces of trash.