Nothing Like A Little Squid Jizz In Your Mouth

A 63-year-old woman was eating some calamari at a restaurant in South Korea when she suddenly tasted something that was way too early in the night to taste: SQUID JIZZ! Like something out of a Japanese fetish porn, the woman bit into her semi-cooked calamari and quickly realized something in the squid was spunk. Ole' girl is a spitter, because she spit that mess out and almost immediately noticed a tingling sensation in her mouth. It was a squid jizz party.

ABC News says that even though the squid she ate was dead and boiled, its sperm bags were alive and exploded in her mouth. The sacks released both jizz and some kind of cement that attached the sperm to the wall. Doctors later found “small, white spindle-shaped bug-like organisms” lodged in the mucous membrane of her tongue. Poor bitch went in craving some delicious calamari and came out smelling like she just sucked off Squidward Tentacles and he liked it a little too much.

ABC News also says that the chances of this mess happening in America is slim since restaurants here usually remove all squid organs before serving that up. But I don't know, I've eaten at some shady shady places before. I'm pretty sure I've eaten roach dick in my tacos and worm vagina in my chow mein. But getting knocked up in the mouth by a dead squid has to be the worst. What if you don't know and before you knew it you were throwing up thousands upon thousands of squid babies.

How are you going to support all those fucking things? You'll have to go on welfare, pose topless in some UK tabloid and finger bang yourself in a self-pleasure porn to put plankton on the aquarium table. Then you'll fall into some deep depression, because a Michele Bachmann-type will go on Fox News and shame you for being an unwed parent. It's not like you can marry your babies' father. He's dead and you ate half of him! You'll get so depressed that you'll get really drunk, come home and accidentally fry up and eat your squid babies with a side of marinara sauce. A tragic ending. No thanks. From now on, I'm eating all calamari with a condom on my tongue and I'm going to chase that shit with a morning-after pill.

(Thanks, Shasta)

Posted by: Michael K

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I Don't Like Jokes

Submitted by Jennika7 on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 6:08pm.

ewwwwwwww I'm so glad I don't eat calamari or fish

Submitted by jelliebean on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 6:07pm.

Love this post, pure brilliance MK!
"He's dead, and you ate half of him!" hahahahahahahaha

Submitted by WithinReason... on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 6:04pm.

Actually, shrimp and octopus soup is quite tasty, but there can be no movement in the waters, that much we're agreed on! hehehe ;)

ETA: LOL!

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by Violet on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:50pm.

This still isn't as gross as that pic that MK posted of the bug with some parasite shit growing on it's back. *nightmares*

Submitted by MrrKat on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:50pm.

AAAAAARGH! MK, please post something else! The squid jizzicles are giving me the heebie-jeebies every time I visit the site!

Submitted by WithinReason... on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:47pm.

Those teeth look like Lohan's pre-scandal meth grill... they're hid! LOL sorry for that MK! I know you're in mourning for your recently departed teeth! ;( Then again, you do have a license to scarf down THE ICE CREAM at will, so it can't be that bad! @Jealous ;p

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by Hekki on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:46pm.

Is that a spork???

Are those fangs???

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA!

Submitted by Bo on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:44pm.

I recently watched Anthony Bourdain's show, it was about Korean food in NYC, and he was eating a live baby squid that had been cut up but the tenticles were moving around.

"ooh, one of the tenticles have attached to my mouth" said he. Gulp.

You are what you eat. Amen.

Submitted by squiggles on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:42pm.

Ok, now THIS is one of the reasons (no, it's not) why I never eat anything that lives in the sea. No crustaceans, no fish, no nada. Anything that has visible and "edible" tentacles, heads, eyes, etc? No! Now, I've never even tasted seafood, really, but still, lol. I'd rather have a WELL DONE burger (no blood...and no head, hoof or tail, either...or jizz!!!).

Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:17pm.

I didn't know there was a SpongeBob Squarepants Wiki! *bookmarks*

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Submitted by Datura on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 10:59am.

I was a skinny, pink preemie. I looked like an earthworm until I was two months old.

The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl, is ready to PARTAY!!!

Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:05pm.

Submitted by Jeanneee on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 6:20pm.

As if I needed another reason not to eat fucking squid - it might rape my face.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

hahahahaha!

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:03pm.

:( Lucifer_Sam, I'm not one of those awful Americans who go overseas and only want to eat Mickey D's. I think those fools should just keep their asses at home and visit Branson Missouri!

Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:02pm.

I am glad that I'm a vegetarian

Submitted by SalmaNella on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:02pm.

I was watching "The Two Greedy Italians" and Gennaro actually put a live squid down his speedos. What some men will do to get a free wank!

Submitted by WithinReason... on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:01pm.

Imagine taking a bite of that and one tentacle reaching out of your mouth for dear life, ololololololol ;D

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by robotdevil on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 5:00pm.

That entire last paragraph is pure gold LMFAO

Submitted by SalmaNella on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:59pm.

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 6:26pm.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 6:16pm.
How am I supposed to eat when I visit other countries when I read about shit like this!

If you are American, they have McDonald's in every country now

If you are British just take a bag of potatoes with you

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How about if you are Canadian? Pack some poutine and back bacon?

Submitted by WithinReason... on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:59pm.

Please! After boiling away the taste of the sea, there's no way you could distinguish that on a bite of squid. This lady's been enjoying one too many "jizz cocktails" because that's too far-fetched... Next time just order the chicken fingers!

"roach dick in my tacos and worm vagina in my chow mein - LMAO MK, chances are it was something much worse... bwahahhahaha

#Iloveseafood

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:59pm.

Chewing on that shit and then you get a warm load in your mouth ugh

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:58pm.

Ugh it looks just like the tentacle vagina baby in Prometheus

Submitted by Orangina on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:58pm.

Holy fucking shit barf all over me.

Submitted by clairey claire on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:57pm.

FUCKING HELL MK. I've been seeing this shit all over Facebook and now I have to read it in gross detail here too? Vomit vomit vomit

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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:56pm.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 6:16pm.
How am I supposed to eat when I visit other countries when I read about shit like this!

If you are American, they have McDonald's in every country now

If you are British just take a bag of potatoes with you

Submitted by islandgirl on Sat, 06/16/2012 - 4:56pm.

I lived in S.Korea awhile back, and while alot of the food was delicious, some of the stuff I saw in restaurants and open markets was enough to turn a pup's stomach. I think the worst was this kind of 'stew' made from cockroaches. Jesus crispy, that is nasty.