Nothing Like A Little Squid Jizz In Your Mouth

June 16, 2012 / Posted by:

A 63-year-old woman was eating some calamari at a restaurant in South Korea when she suddenly tasted something that was way too early in the night to taste: SQUID JIZZ! Like something out of a Japanese fetish porn, the woman bit into her semi-cooked calamari and quickly realized something in the squid was spunk. Ole’ girl is a spitter, because she spit that mess out and almost immediately noticed a tingling sensation in her mouth. It was a squid jizz party.

ABC News says that even though the squid she ate was dead and boiled, its sperm bags were alive and exploded in her mouth. The sacks released both jizz and some kind of cement that attached the sperm to the wall. Doctors later found “small, white spindle-shaped bug-like organisms” lodged in the mucous membrane of her tongue. Poor bitch went in craving some delicious calamari and came out smelling like she just sucked off Squidward Tentacles and he liked it a little too much.

ABC News also says that the chances of this mess happening in America is slim since restaurants here usually remove all squid organs before serving that up. But I don’t know, I’ve eaten at some shady shady places before. I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten roach dick in my tacos and worm vagina in my chow mein. But getting knocked up in the mouth by a dead squid has to be the worst. What if you don’t know  and before you knew it you were throwing up thousands upon thousands of squid babies.

How are you going to support all those fucking things? You’ll have to go on welfare, pose topless in some UK tabloid and finger bang yourself in a self-pleasure porn to put plankton on the aquarium table. Then you’ll fall into some deep depression, because a Michele Bachmann-type will go on Fox News and shame you for being an unwed parent. It’s not like you can marry your babies’ father. He’s dead and you ate half of him! You’ll get so depressed that you’ll get really drunk, come home and accidentally fry up and eat your squid babies with a side of marinara sauce. A tragic ending. No thanks. From now on, I’m eating all calamari with a condom on my tongue and I’m going to chase that shit with a morning-after pill.

(Thanks, Shasta) 

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