“Guuuuurrrrrl, Remember The Time I Pulled On Your Pubes?”

June 14, 2012 / Posted by:

….I couldn’t get the scent of butt syrup, curdled goat milk, burnt barley and lube designed to smell like Matt Lauer’s saliva off my fingers for days. Don’t ask me how I know about that last one.

So You Think You Can Dance’s Mia Michaels was a choreographer on Cock of Ages and one of her jobs was to turn Tommy Girl into a hot-blooded heterosexual thrusting sex machine. I heard that Mia got Tommy to thrust his Thetans off by holding a rubber replica of David Beckham’s butt in front of him. Yes, they had to remove the butt in post-production, but that took less work than getting Tommy to thrust on his own. Anyway, Mia tells Vulture that she got so close to Tommy that at one point her hands went somewhere not many women have been before: his Scientolobush. Surprisingly, when Mia’s fingers touched Tommy’s pubic beard, his crotch Thetans didn’t bite at her hand.

“I watched him transform physically from being a classic sexy man into a rock star. And it was awesome watching the transformation.

My hands were all over him at all times, but when you’re working, you don’t think about that. My hands were inside his pants at one point, pulling him, pulling his pubes, and it was just part of the choreography. It was just very funny, because when you’re in the dance, it doesn’t matter. It’s about if it’s right, and if it is, let’s go with it.”

What kind of choreography calls for pube yanking? That’s some Fifty Shades of Grey: The Ballet kind of shit.

I take back what I said about OctoMom’s self-love porn. The image of Mia Michaels staring into Tommy’s eyes as she touched his dick mane is the most disturbing thing that has hit my mind today. I bet as Mia’s fingers hovered above Tommy’s Scientolopeen, she thought to herself, I’ve only been with men, but for years they’ve been saying that I love to do lyrical moves with my tongue on lady labia. Maybe I should explore that more…

Here’s Tommy shooting scenes for Oblivion with Olga Kurylenko in NYC yesterday. I don’t know how I should knowing that Tommy grows his pubes out and doesn’t get a Brazilian wax next to John Travolta on Scientology spa Sundays.

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