The 5 Best Moments From Last Night’s Premiere Of The New Dallas

June 14, 2012 / Posted by:

Almost 7 million people watched last night’s grand return of Dallas on TNT (yeah, it took me a while to figure out what that is too), because what all of really need right now is to get lost into schemes, schemes, more schemes and Jesse Metcalfe’s succulent man tits. Even though there was zero Victoria Principal and needed more campiness, more trashiness and more up-close shots of Jesse’s spectacular tit turnovers bouncing up and down in slow motion, I actually liked it. But what that shit lacked in campiness, it made up for  in something even better. And that leads me to my top 5 favorite moments from last night’s double episode. They’re in no particular order and without commentary, because each moment coos for itself. Apologies for the low-budget ghettoness of the quality of each moment. My screen grabber broke and I had to take pictures with my iPhone, but I still had to share this shit with you. Click to perfection:

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5.

J.R. Ewing is truly an angel. But instead of having wings on his back, he has them over his eyes. Glorious! The most unnatural part of the show for me was how every character sitting across from J.R. never once reached out to braid his brows and put one of those tiny little beads at the end. Bo Derek who? Don’t you just want to point a fan at J.R.’s feathery brows and watch as they dance in the air like a baby duck shaking its tail? I seriously want to tickle my nipple with one of those beauties.

I have a feeling that’s what the Ewing family is REALLY fighting for. They’re not fighting for ownership of South Fork, or oil, or that really stupid rock of dry ice Jesse Metcalfe’s character is trying to sell (seriously, that shit was like the dry ice you put in your cauldron at Halloween parties to make smoke). They’re fighting over J.R.’s brows! I bet that on the season finale, J.R. will wake up from a nap and when his nurse comes in to give him his red Jell-O, she’ll drop the bowl and scream at his BROW-LESS face! WHO PLUCKED J.R.?

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