Damn.
The fuckery was with Star Magazine in full force this week. They pulled out a stack of blank report cards, graded a bitch hard and didn't hold back. They posted the grades on their cover this week and to them Sandra Bullock is basically the valedictorian of celebrity moms and and Xtina might have to take a few summer courses at the office of her local CPS. I don't know whether to laugh cry at that picture of Max with a shiner or straight up laugh at one of the Dragon Tales Twins screaming for her hired mommy. Never change, Star, never change.
Jezebel read the entire story and they summarized that absolute mess like this:
Sandra Bullock is a Good Mom because she once said of Little Louis: "I do not want anyone else to have the pleasure of changing poopy diapers but me!" Meanwhile, Angie is a Bad Mom because her kids travel a lot and "schlepping them around the globe isn't the best way to give them stability." Plus, they're always eating junk food and they (gasp) play with toy guns. Other model moms include Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon, Pink and Alyson Hannigan; A students in the school of motherhood. Amber Portwood, Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez are bringing home Cs and Ds. Perhaps some tutoring will help bring those grades up?
The timing is a little off, I know. This should've come out in honor of Mother's Day, but I guess this is Star's gift to celebrity dads. Happy Father's Day! And about that pop quiz at the bottom. I'm going to guess that the answer is Kate Gosselin for all of them. And if we fast forward to the future when Sandra Lee pops out a kid, she'll be the answer for every one of those questions. I mean, Simon & Schuster is holding the title "Booze Over Storytime" for the future memoirs of Drunk Ass Sandra Lee's future kid.
• 
Submitted by IrishFury on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:44pm.
Where would I post it, CSG? There is one post there with hundreds of replies so it would get lost in the fray.
I will need it to be seen! Bwhahahahhah!
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IF, I just checked and the latest post about Angie was yesterday's refugee post. Jared would never ever make an unflattering post about Angie so I doubt he'll post this Star cover on JJ.
Thanks within. Jeezus that site is making my eyeballs seize, no wonder it attracts the crazy.
TonicBitch, If you go to JJ and click on AJ under TOP CELEBS (at the top OF COURSE!) They've mentioned it several times in the top thread (Refugee day)! lolol ;)
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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I dunno about this... maybe they should do a dad's issue too, because Boner A++, NPH A+, Elton C-, Ricky A+, not this boring run-of-the-mill shite!
And WHY is Star Magazine pissed with the Jolie-Pitts? WWHHYY! Actually, all the moms look GRUMPAY, except of AJ! wft? LMAO
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Hi Hekki! And help a whore out, bitches. I haven't been to JJ in ages and that site is still fucking god-awful to navigate. Where are they discussing Angie's saintly montenegro momstyle?
In Chrissnookie's defense, giving her a D or whatever for Max hitting his eye is some bullshit. Kids have accidents.
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
Where would I post it, CSG? There is one post there with hundreds of replies so it would get lost in the fray.
I will need it to be seen! Bwhahahahhah!
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by IrishFury on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:37pm.
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:06pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:54pm.
And the idea of the insanity going on at JJ right now because their patron saint earned a C- is hilarious. Thanks Star!
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Really?
I wonder if I should copy and paste my post on this. I know JJ would really embrace it...
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OMG IF - please, please, please post it, it was awesome! Plus, I had a shitty day and reading the responses would completely lift my spirits.
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If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. - MK
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:06pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:54pm.
And the idea of the insanity going on at JJ right now because their patron saint earned a C- is hilarious. Thanks Star!
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Really?
I wonder if I should copy and paste my post on this. I know JJ would really embrace it...
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Dark-sided!
rasc---
"Day after day James Haven was subjected to rants from Celine about everyone from Britney Spears to Ghandi. Yes, Ghandi."
Bwahaha, I miss that funny ho. :)
Submitted by islandgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:16pm.
Submitted by little_rascal on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:14pm.
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Really? CRAP!!
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Yes, in Celine Dion thread.
Ok, so Sandra Bullock, who was married to a probable neo-Nazi, gets an A+? Well, I give her an A for public relations, a B- for white savior complex, and an F for ho skillz since she never released that sex tape of Vanilla Gorilla allegedly giving her a Dirty Sanchez.
True story:
I was at the grocery store with old human (my mother) earlier this evening, and a brat kid, about 2, was screaming and running around up and down aisles. The mother tried to distract her with a bottle of chocolate milk and a sucker, because I'm sure the sugar will mellow her out. Anywho, I told my mother that I would be such a bad mother that I don't see anything wrong with putting half a sleeping pill in the kid's bottle to calm her down. I then proceeded to tell her that if she ever wants grandkids she can adopt them and raise them herself, otherwise she'll have to make peace with cats.
It goes without saying that I hate kids, so my point is, the "worst" mothers on this list would look like saints compared to me.
The SandwichQueen strikes again!
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I love this! I am so with you here, 99.9% (because I'd probably put 0.001% less valium/benadryl in the kid's milk than you would- or, maybe not. Maybe more. LOL!) I'll just leave it to my sister & friends to have the bebehs, I got enough on my plate already right now
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Submitted by islandgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:10pm.
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:52pm.
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Get that money, slurt!! Good to see your slutty ass back around these parts. Speaking of parts... :)
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Thanks, skank!
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by little_rascal on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:14pm.
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Really? CRAP!!
Hekki, kids don't belong on a dating profile - EVER!
And they shouldn't meet the new man/woman for at least 6 months. Christ, so many moms and dads are racing to include junior in their dates and personal lives.
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by islandgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 9:10pm.
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:52pm.
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Get that money, slurt!! Good to see your slutty ass back around these parts. Speaking of parts... :)
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You girls missed James Haven yesterday! :P
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:52pm.
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Get that money, slurt!! Good to see your slutty ass back around these parts. Speaking of parts... :)
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:54pm.
tonicbitch, nice to see you!
Speaking of judging other moms, what do you guys think of a mom putting her kid's photo in her profile photos? This mom I know was showing me her online dating profile and the guys who responded to her, etc. (I have no idea how this stuff works). She had a photo of herself and her toddler in there. I mean, I don't think it's wrong to let men know you have a child, because that's a necessary disclosure, but I think it's foolish to put their photo out there with yours. Like, check them out before you give them that level of access to your life.
I didn't say anything, but I think that's inviting trouble. Or am I paranoid?
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No, that's all shades of wrong. First of all, you don't need some perv looking at your kids picture and God forbid contacting you because of it. Let's just get that out there. But also, for the legitimate, decent guys out there who might want to date a nice girl even if she has kids? He needs to get to know HER before having her kids shoved down his throat. I mean, really? He's not thinking of you as Mom first, Hot piece second when he's checking out her pics. That ain't how it works. It's a bad idea on every level possible and a good idea on none.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
What busy parent hasn't sometimes combined booze, a tasty ciggie, and storytime? Let's not get all fascist about it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Please: It's "rahnday."
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:54pm.
tonicbitch, nice to see you!
Speaking of judging other moms, what do you guys think of a mom putting her kid's photo in her profile photos? This mom I know was showing me her online dating profile and the guys who responded to her, etc. (I have no idea how this stuff works). She had a photo of herself and her toddler in there. I mean, I don't think it's wrong to let men know you have a child, because that's a necessary disclosure, but I think it's foolish to put their photo out there with yours. Like, check them out before you give them that level of access to your life.
I didn't say anything, but I think that's inviting trouble. Or am I paranoid?
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You're not paranoid - I've heard there are guys who troll dating sites looking for mothers with young kids and no dads around. Scary stuff.
I'm still laughing at the absurdity of Sandra Bullock getting an A+ because she made one comment about changing a dirty diaper. And the idea of the insanity going on at JJ right now because their patron saint earned a C- is hilarious. Thanks Star!
If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. - MK
tonicbitch, nice to see you!
Speaking of judging other moms, what do you guys think of a mom putting her kid's photo in her profile photos? This mom I know was showing me her online dating profile and the guys who responded to her, etc. (I have no idea how this stuff works). She had a photo of herself and her toddler in there. I mean, I don't think it's wrong to let men know you have a child, because that's a necessary disclosure, but I think it's foolish to put their photo out there with yours. Like, check them out before you give them that level of access to your life.
I didn't say anything, but I think that's inviting trouble. Or am I paranoid?
Submitted by clairey claire on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 6:30pm.
Thank you! One of my boyfriends mates told me my ass is getting fat just yesterday. I'm fucking 3 months pregnant you unholy cunt! Surely bitching over a baby mamas weight should be off limits no?
You did call your BF's so-called friend an "unholy cunt," right? Did your boyfriend reach down the guy's throat, grab his asshole, and turn him inside out?
The nerve of some people, I swear. And I bet he's no looker himself.
I'll second the where is the GRADE for the nannies AND bodyguards who actually raise the children?
When they trot out your children (and we all know who the worst offenders are) as an extension of their brand, THIS is the sort of ridiculous headlines they invite. Celebrities have made motherhood seem self-serving, and a vanity project.
Someone's right: that looks like Octomom.
Submitted by islandgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 8:41pm.
Tiger Lils???? SWOON!! Where have you been, you nasty hooker?? :))
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I've been hookin' you skank assed whore...;-). Naw, I had to get my tiger ass a night job for a whiles cuz everbody be askin' fo' my money up in here and I ain't had none.
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by Jeanneee on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:23pm.
Star Magazine gets an F- for this goddamn bullshit.
You beat me to it!
Dumbass Star magazine, I swear. Ugh!
Tiger Lils???? SWOON!! Where have you been, you nasty hooker?? :))
Submitted by islandgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 6:35pm.
Who chooses booze over story time? ME, THAT'S WHO.
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Word. I mean isn't booze the ultimate CAUSE of story time? Cause and effect. Who tells a good story sober? Who wants to hear a story from a sober person? I'll tell ya who. NO ONE! And so, maybe you missed story time cuz you passed out face down in the terlit and nearly drown? It's another story to tell for another story time...
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 6:30pm.
In the real world I agree with you, but when you are hired and contracted for $3 or 4 million dollars to lose the weight quickly via "XX" product, you best be shedding those 2lbs or more a week with VISIBLE success.
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Plus most of these people, with maybe a few exceptions, bank most of their careers on their looks rather than actual talent.
And Hekki, don't be so hard on yourself. Tube tops are unacceptable. :)
Submitted by islandgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:28pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:20pm.
I think it's important that ALL children should be able to mix at least 5 drinks with three or more ingredients and learn to drive home from your local pub by the time they are at 7 (at the latest)
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I once drove my Dad home when I was six AND I was pissed on the White Russians at the time.
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BAaaawahAaaa!!!! That's GD funny, seriously I'm laughing like crazy at this one! Didn't you say you were from The Rock originally?
Submitted by IrishFury on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 6:26pm.
Angie is the parent we can only strive to be, hoors. She has black kids, Asian ophans, a lesbian transexual, a gun toting ninja and mysterious god-like twins.
What do you have, eh? Regular kids? Or some with genuine special needs? Pfff.
No-one does an airport photo-op like she does. No-one trots her gorgeous beautiful amazing talented genius kids to the art supply and ice-cream store like she does and nobody makes the quick change from nannies-to-Angie-to-nannies-switch again once the cameras are gone. And not one of you are with the amazingly talented and hot BRADLEY PITT.
And NOBODY can sit with such wonderful sad-face alongside a black, starving, AIDS-riddled orphan like Angie, all while wearing a beautiful veil. Only a mom like Angie can do this and be back at the Four Seasons in whatever Third World city she's touring, and all under an hour.
You mothers have a lot to learn. Bow down, bitches.
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The best post of the week!!!
Just look at the picture people and believe that Angie is the shittiest parent ever!! The last time she had a picture taken with the blond bio child was like, what? five years ago. There you go. Now, let me get serious for a second. Does anybody think she has a deal with Cheetos? Why else feed your kids orange plastic?
At the end of the day, I don't think the celeb parents are probably that awful. These kids are well-fed and go to good schools and no one's putting cigarettes out on their arms.
Even IRL, the things I get all judgy about are bullshit, really. Like, oh this one has Lunchables every day or she lets her kid wear tube tops. The kids are still fed and clothed and treated well.
And lord knows I'm not perfect, either.
Lol @ Amber Portwood getting a C or D. I watched one Teen Mom where her daughter was chasing her around yelling "AMBA" like she had no idea it was her Mom.
Star Magazine needs to fuck off and die already. I don't know how it seems to stand the test of time with all of their obviously made up bullshit.
Submitted by Cat Scratch on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 6:20pm.
Sandra had her son circumcised by a non-surgeon who thinks God, in all his divine wisdom, wants a brotherhood of men who are distinguished from all others by a getting part of their nobs chopped off.
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Sandra's son was circumcised by a mohel.
Mohels are trained professionals and are referred to parents of newborn boys by a PEDIATRICIAN (as was in my own case) or by a rabbi. Our mohel was recommended to us by our pediatrician and came to our house and performed circumcision of my two sons in the company of our whole family and many close friends.
Our mohel was licensed and affiliated with the hospitals where my boys were born, and performed circumcisions either in the hospital, or at home of the parents.
Hate Gosselin uuuugh a child exploiter who lives off her kids earnings.
Worst mother of all time... Ms. Crawford has nothing on Hate.
Jennifer Garner & Reese Witherspoon are both excellent examples.
Madonna pulllllllleeeezzze ! Yik !
" Oh my heavens , my photo has vanished ! "
Holy hell...I thought that was Octomom in the main pic.
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"Brows should not look like a condiment!" -MK
Submitted by IrishFury on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 6:26pm.
Angie is the parent we can only strive to be, hoors. She has black kids, Asian ophans, a lesbian transexual, a gun toting ninja and mysterious god-like twins.
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This is the best goddamn description of Brangie's kids. I bow to your greatness!
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Submitted by fredfred on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:29pm.
Submitted by TOPANGA on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:22pm.
My sister-in-law who is a 4th grade teacher claims that wine is the only thing that gets her through the school year.
most crowded place i've ever been is the liquor aisle on the last day of school. trust. teachers know how to drank.
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I was horrified when this past school year, my husband came home from a night out with the guys and told me he saw LP's kindergarten teacher (she's in her early 40's) piss ass drunk hooking up with a 23 year old co-worker of his behind the bar.
*shocky face*
A big habahahabahahaba at Jessica simpson's bloated face up at the top of this silly rag...
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
Submitted by islandgirl on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:28pm.
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I once drove my Dad home when I was six AND I was pissed on the White Russians at the time.
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Hello Drew Barrymore
PROOF THAT ALL RETARDS BREED AND/OR ADOPT...
Wait... you mean to tell me there are imperfect parents in the world??? No Way! What an incredible revelation Star has made!
Did everyone hear that explosion? Because my mind is BLOWN
Submitted by TOPANGA on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:22pm.
My sister-in-law who is a 4th grade teacher claims that wine is the only thing that gets her through the school year
So this is why kids are growing up to be imbeciles these days.
Submitted by TOPANGA on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:22pm.
My sister-in-law who is a 4th grade teacher claims that wine is the only thing that gets her through the school year.
most crowded place i've ever been is the liquor aisle on the last day of school. trust. teachers know how to drank.
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watching hardcore ufos
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:20pm.
I think it's important that ALL children should be able to mix at least 5 drinks with three or more ingredients and learn to drive home from your local pub by the time they are at 7 (at the latest)
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I once drove my Dad home when I was six AND I was pissed on the White Russians at the time.
Submitted by Bizzarelife on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 7:06pm.
Besides, what about the Dads? Where the hell are they? How come society does not focus more on that component?
ding ding ding!
unless there is some obvious "abuse" (re: the thrusting of the pinkett-smith spawn down my throat, the bleaching of pre-schooler stefani hair), i reserve snark on parenting. god knows i do shit wrong with mine.
i combine booze and storytime. see?
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watching hardcore ufos
Star Magazine gets an F- for this goddamn bullshit.
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*tosses a bag of hot dicks into Jeanneee's trough* BON APPETIT BITCH! - Raul Duke, 1/26/11
Kids=Alcohol. Period. The End. As long as it doesnt harm or interfere with your kid's safety. Drink up. My sister-in-law who is a 4th grade teacher claims that wine is the only thing that gets her through the school year LOL.
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George