The World Almost Lost England’s Finest Rose

June 12, 2012 / Posted by:

Now you know that if Mr. Hankey and Red Sonja consummated their union on a mountain of HGH syringes, their love child would be the most naturally beautiful thing to ever scoot across your eyes. And to think, this thing of beauty might not have ever existed. Thinking about a world without bodybuilding Jodie Marsh is like thinking about a world without anti-chafing gel. Let’s not think of that world.

England’s Finest Rose tells The Sun that the world of bodybuilding saved her life and gave her a reason to go on. Before Jodie kept the muscles in her body muscly by downing 21 egg whites, brown rice and protein shakes a day (that really is her daily diet), she was on the verge of ending it all. Jodie couldn’t take assholes using, cheating, beating her and not treating her like the polished crown jewel she is. Jodie was already on the floor from being treated like shit by boyfriends, and beauty-hating minions of Hell kicked her while she was down. Jodie says that after she was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house in 2006, nasty whores treated her like trash and drove her to almost driving her truck into the Grim Reaper’s open arms:

“About six months after Celebrity Big Brother I decided I was going to kill myself. The quickest way to do it was to drive my truck into a post, so I started working out which one to use and how fast I’d need to be going. I was sick of everyone being so horrible to me. I’d walk down the road and people would say, ‘You’ve got a dodgy nose, you’ve got saggy tits’ and they’d think that was fine. If I didn’t respond, they’d throw something at me — usually a bottle or drinks can. I just got worn down by it. All I could think about was that I needed to drive myself into one of these poles. But I didn’t do it. I got to the pub sobbing. I was having a meltdown.”

Like bronzed, muscled Phoenix with a six-pack on its anus lips, she rose from the ashes of hate and is now more confident than ever:

“I can honestly say these are the best years of my life. I can’t even describe how good it is just to finally feel like I am doing something positive. I’ve always wanted to do something good but people would never take me seriously. Now they are. I feel so fit and healthy and ripped and strong. It’s so good to put the bad times behind me.”

Jodie has won a few championships in the UK and recently won a world championship in DC.

Thank God, Jesus and Bea Arthur that those funny donut looking things people pickup at gyms exist, because if they didn’t the world might’ve lost Jodie Marsh. If we lost Jodie Marsh, every drop of silicone would dry up, roses would never grown again, elegance wouldn’t have a name anymore, genitals would never get up in the morning and the British ho stroll would no longer be as naturally beautiful. Worst world ever.

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