As Dr. Blossom protected her nipple knobs with rubber teeth guards to breastfeed her 3-year-old, her Blossom co-star Joey Lawrence flashed his freshly waxed, tinted and made up man nipples for a crowd of screaming hos at the Rio’s Chippendales show in Las Vegas last night. As much as I get the lukewarm tingles from watching a hot piece from the 90s flex all 30,000 muscles in his body on stage at a strip show, I want to see the footage from the dressing room. That’s where the real show was at. Can you imagine what it takes for Joey Lawrence to look like a pristine as fuck Yul Brynner wax figure? I can!
Joey’s team slathers him in wax from the neck down before wrapping him in wax strips like a gay mummy. Then they rip all the strips off at once and Joey screams “WOAH!” so hard that his stray brow hairs shoot off of his face. Joey’s glam team each holds up a card with a score of 10 on it, because that’s how much of an eyebrow game champion he is. As John Travolta’s wig master prunes the brown rug on Joey’s head until it looks like a curb of hair, his team sloppily paints discount self tanner on his body with old paint rollers. To finish him off, they shove blue gummy worms under the skin of his biceps to make it look like he’s got some serious manly man veins. And that’s how Joey Lawrence is transformed into Raven’s not-as-hot twin!