Lindsay Lohan’s Pink Bag Of Secrets

You’re like, “Bitch, please, we all know what’s been in Lindsay Lohan’s pink bag. That ain’t no secret.” But I’m talking about a different pink bag this time.

James, the driver behind the wheel of the semi-trailer truck that Lindsay Lohan plowed into on PCH yesterday, talked to TMZ and he says that the entire situation was about as shady as that bitch’s forehead in the picture above. James says LiLo tried to bust out of there, her people tried to pay him off and they all got weird when he started to call 911. So James’ natural instincts told him that shit was suspect as all hell and something in the milk was probably crack. Sounds like an old-fashioned, normal Lohan situation to me!

James said that right after the accident, LiLo’s male assistant jumped out of the Porsche with a pink bag and filled it with some stuff before covering the top with clothes . LiLo and the assistant then got into an Escalade that was following them the entire time. TMZ thinks that the driver of the Escalade works for production on that Liz & Dick mess. When James walked to the Escalade to exchange info with LiLo, he was stopped by the driver who told him they could all go to the bank and get him some cash. James turned down that offer and called 911.

James didn’t even know who the world’s most famous freckled mess was and just wanted to call the police, but her assistant and the driver kept acting weird:

“Him and the guy took me across the street and told me this was some kind of famous person and they didn’t want to be in the media. But I’d already called 911 because they were trying to get away from the scene. But they packed a bag and then the limousine driver told me, ‘Don’t mention the bag to the cops.'”

Does everybody in this ho’s life have to act all shifty and shit? The cops aren’t going to check that stupid pink bag. No need to be all secretive. The cops already know that it was filled with half of a Mexican pharmacy, a pair of back-up lips (aka two obese slugs spooning), a bag of sea jasper powder, replacement nose cartilage and a pile of diamonds LiLo snatched from Elizabeth Taylor’s body after raiding her grave. What were the cops going to do if they found anything illegal in LiLo’s bag? Arrest her and put her in jail? Hahahahahahahahahahaaaa…