Fifty Shades Of Bitch, Please

June 8, 2012 / Posted by:

Both Deadline and The Hollywood Reporter say that Focus Features has talked to St. Angie Jolie about directing the movie version of the Twatlight fan fiction turned mom cream-churner 50 Shades of Grey. I’m sure Angie Jo will really go from directing a depressing, war drama to directing a Nine 1/2 Weeks for the Twilight set. The chances of that happening are about as slim as KFed and Jessica Simpson starring in a movie for the Food Network called 50 Shades of Gray’s Papaya (Side note: Somebody please make that movie happen.)

The rumor sprouted wings of foolery last weekend and quickly made the rounds. THR’s sources say that there’s a chance Focus had a couple of casual talks with Angie Jolie, but it wasn’t that serious. Angie’s schedule for the next few months is filled with working a pair of dildo horns as Maleficent and Focus wants to strike while the mom pussy is still hot. Universal and Focus deny that they’ve talked to Angie. Deadline says that the book’s writer will be landing in Hollywood soon to pick out a producer, writer and director.

The Angie Jolie of 10 years ago would’ve directed this mess, because she was a proud freak and wanted everyone to know she kept a ball gag in her back pocket. The Angie Jolie of today takes herself way too seriously and would only direct this mess if the setting was changed to a war torn country and the main characters were changed to a conflicted soldier and his prisoner. (No, that wasn’t me asking for a really wrong mash-up of In the Land of Blood & Honey and 50 Shades. PLEASE NO.) The big-screen version of this wreck shouldn’t happen anyway. They’re going to scrub out all the sucio parts and fill it with product placement. (SPOILER ALERT, like you care) In the tampon scene, Christian Grey is going to pull out her DivaCup instead of a tampon, because DivaCup outbid Kotex for the honor.

If the writer cared about the integrity (HA!) of her masterpornpiece, she would’ve sold the rights to Skinemax and asked Shannon Tweed to direct it.

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