Before we get into this mess, let me remind you what John Mayer said about Jennifer Aniston in 2010:
“There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’…”
And Jessica Simpson:
“That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…”
And how his body lotion jingle of a song “Your Body is a [size 2, vajazzled] Wonderland” is supposedly about Jennifer Love Hewitt.
So now, John Mayer has painful sores on his ass lips that secrete sad tears, because Taylor Swift kicked him hard in the b-hole with her song “Dear John” (not to be confused with the far more superior “Dear John” song). The song is supposedly about how John Mayer’s David Duke dick dipped into Taylor’s precious 19-year-old cherry orchard for a second and quickly dropped her to move on to the next scratch mark in his wooden bed post. John tells Rolling Stone that it was cheap songwriting on Taylor’s part and she never even e-mailed him to tell him the song existed. It’s raining WAH WAH WAH tears on this Summer’s eve:
On how he never even hurt Taylor’s dewicate feewings: “It made me feel terrible. Because I didn’t deserve it. I’m pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do.”
On how the real-life Anne of Green Gables got used douche water on her the tip of her pink cowboy boot by kicking him at his lowest: “I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call. I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I’d already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you’ve ever been, someone kicked you even lower?”
On what he thinks Taylor meant by the line “Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with?”: “I don’t want to go into that.”
On how Taylor turning her burn book into songs is a cheap move: “I will say as a songwriter that I think it’s kind of cheap songwriting. I know she’s the biggest thing in the world, and I’m not trying to sink anybody’s ship, but I think it’s abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, ‘Wait till he gets a load of this!’ That’s bullshit.”
John Mayer is a dumb bitch for not knowing that when you mess with Taylor Swift, she’s going to write all about you in yumberry-scented ink on purple pastel paper and eventually turn that journal entry into a hit song that drunk high school girls will sing to on Karaoke Revolution for years to come. Taylor Swift is a dumb bitch for writing a song about dumb bitch John Mayer and not knowing that he’s the president and founder of the Hit It And Quit It Club. John Mayer is the Peter Pan of douchebags and Taylor Swift is the Peter Pan of songwriters. They both need to grow up. And yes, I typed “they both need to grow up” right before I farted in my palm to smell it.