Morrissey Is Quitting This Bitch….In Two Years

June 6, 2012 / Posted by:

Morrissey tells JuiceOnline.com (via Billboard) that after being in the music business for 30 years, his body is no longer the willowy reed of pure sex that it once was and so he’s going to officially retire at the decaying and decrepit (served in a bowl of warm sarcasm) age of 55. Morrissey name dropped Syria in his resignation letter, because it wouldn’t be a Morrissey quote if he didn’t inject a little political shit into it.

“I am slightly shocked to have gone as far as I have. This is my 30th year, and I’ve aged a lot recently, which is bit distressing for me, as it must be for everyone. The body changes shape and there’s nothing you can do about it. Do I continue as a modern day Andy Williams? I take one hour at a time. We will all probably be blown up by the Syrian government soon, anyway, so it hardly matters in the great scheme of things.”

What in the hell kind of GD retirement excuse is that?! Morrissey is going to retire because his sciatica is acting up and he doesn’t think the scent of BenGay belongs at a rock show? What bullshit. Iggy Pop performed at Ramesses II’s Diamond Jubilee and he’s still swinging his saggy chest sacks on stage today. Steven Tyler’s bones are being held together with mummy tape dipped in Elmer’s and he doesn’t let that stop him from performing. But Morrissey is too delicate to go on? This isn’t how Morrissey is supposed to quit. Morrissey is supposed to quit over some stupid shit like an audience member in the front row sipping non-vegan beer at one of his shows. Morrissey will gasp, throw the back of his hand over his forehead, arch his back and jazz walk stage left as the lights dim to a slow cue and a red velvet curtain drops. That’s how a melodramatic queen goes!

Whatever. I’m okay with Morrissey retiring from music as long as he’s not retiring from saying crazy ass shit.

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