“Bro, I Told You Already That The Royal Jewels Are Looking Tight. Stop Asking!”

June 3, 2012 / Posted by:

I was going to title that picture “Royal Sword Fight,” but that’s just wrong and I don’t want to think that Prince Hot Ginge partakes in waterfront incest.

Queen Elizabeth II’s weekend Diamond Jubilee celebrations (aka Hail To The British Thug Misses) continued today in London when the royal family kept with tradition by getting on a boat decorated with Prince Hot Ginge’s shellacked pubes (that’s what that gold stuff is right?) and waved to their subjects as the Queen dipped into her pocketbook and threw raw diamonds (bought with taxpayer money) at her people. It’s the Queen’s way of giving back. It’s kind of like when you bought your mom’s a Mother’s Day gift with her money. It’s like that. No, she didn’t do that, but she did throw them her smile and that’s worth so much more than a pile of diamonds.

If you don’t know what the Diamond Jubilee is, it’s a celebration to mark the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign or some shit. In America, we also have a jubilee celebration to honor our queen. We call it Barry Manilow’s birthday.

For today’s Jubilee River Pageant (I can’t believe that’s a real thing that exists) down the Thames, The Queen wore her favorite bedazzled church suit. PHG, Prince William and Prince Phillip wore the finest prince costumes found in Disneyland’s costume closet, Camilla wore whothefuckcares and Duchess Kate kept it understated in red. Because nothing says “We all know who these bitches are really here to see!” like head-to-knee red.

So far I’m totally disappointed with this Diamond Jubilee celebration. Diamond Jubilee sounds like the gayest thing ever and it’s not living up to its name. When is the event where PHG comes out on stage and shakes his pecs while covered in nothing but body glitter and strategically placed rhinestones (a rhinestone covered peen is not considered indecent for public viewing as long as most of the head is covered)? That better be the highlight of Tuesday’s ceremony.

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