Andy Samberg Won’t Be On SNL Next Season

Justin Timberlake’s main heartmate Andy Samberg tells The New York Times what all of us have already known. Andy has picked up his dick in the box and sashayed out the Studio 8H exit door right behind Kristen Wiig. Andy says that his contract was up and he felt it was time to move and spend his Saturday nights trying to make his natural curls more luscious with the help of rubber rods and curling custard (Side note: Those two things can also be used as substitutes for dildos and butt lube if you’re looking for a quick thrill.)

“It’s an incredibly emotional and strange moment in my life. Obviously it’s not a huge shock, but I did officially decide not to come back. She (Kristen Wiig) kept saying it just feels like it’s her time. I connect with that. Something about it just feels like it’s the moment. My contract’s up and I did so much more than I ever thought I would ever even do.”

Andy will go on to star in a buddy movie with (insert the name of 2012’s Queen Latifah here) and a few movies with (insert the name of 2012’s Drew Barrymore here) before hosting his own late late late night show on NBC. If I missed anything, just look over the blueprint for Jimmy Fallon’s career and fill in the blanks. But seriously, Kristen Wiig gets a huge ass goodbye party and what did Andy Samberg get? Maybe a party in the break room with chocolate cake from KFC? Actually, Andy’s send-off sounds better, because who doesn’t love chocolate cake that has been in a KFC fridge so long (because who buys chocolate cake from KFC) that it sort of tastes like chicken fumes and coleslaw.