FYI: Jessica Simpson Can't Stay Away From Eric Johnson's Peen
Before Jessica Simpson gave birth to an adorable human check worth $800,000, she told Ryan Seacrest that her piece's peen always has amniotic fluid dripping off of it because they were having them some pregnancy sex all the time. Well, Jessica tells People (via DM) that giving birth four weeks ago didn't temporarily curb her craving for her man's dick and she hopped on that shit three weeks after a baby came out of her body. Since Jessica had a c-section, her doctor told her to stay away from crotch bumping for six weeks so the wound could heal, but she did it anyway and of course had to tell us all about it.
"I've kind of broken one rule, I think I have the sexiest man in the world. So that's the rule I break."
Why do I have a feeling that copy of People is lying on Papa Joe's bathroom floor and that quote is circled with a thick black marker? DAMN YOU, Jessica.
I get where Jessica is coming from (no pun intended and you can send me your therapy bills for injecting that image into the projector in your head). Sometimes the dick you're leasing is so good that you just want to hop on it and ride until your c-section incision splits open and the flesh-eating bacterias get you. What else is Jessica supposed to do all day? She's no longer driving around through the Wendy's drive-thru all day and she's got a $4 million Weight Watchers contract to fulfill! So she's just humping and sucking her way to skinny. And when she needs a quick snack, she just dips Eric's peen in corn dog batter. It's only 4 Weight Watchers points!
• 
this woman has no inner monologue. Everything is just said.
obviously she had no grandma with a chancla warning of "we don't say shit like that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
This. People who are really and truly happy don't feel the need to brag about it.
I have a friend who went through a long single spell (4 years) and now that she has a BF, updates FB every two seconds with "Going to the latest fabulous eatery in NYC with my amazing man" or "I just love my amazing sexy wonderful awesome boyfriend." Not sure if that's supposed to induce jealousy, or what? I've met the guy, and he's no prize...I can tell you that. She can have him!
@SANS FARDS
I hate your friend and I don't even know her. I HATE her and every other person on FB who does this. What I hate even worse are the couples who write on each other's wall professing thier love constantly, so everyone can see it. It's even more aggravating when they live together. Like you just couldn't walk 2 feet into the other room and tell them how much you love them?!____________________________________
"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 2:21pm
now that she has a BF, updates FB every two seconds with "Going to the latest fabulous eatery in NYC with my amazing man" or "I just love my amazing sexy wonderful awesome boyfriend." Not sure if that's supposed to induce jealousy, or what? I've met the guy, and he's no prize...I can tell you that. She can have him!
******
This is what I posted in OP yesterday about my young (27) friend dating a woman almost my age (50). they are constantly CONSTANTLY posting on each other's FB pages how much they "loooove" each other, and not one of their friends comments --probably bc we're all too busy barfing. KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES, PEOPLE. We don't need to hear your insecure asses declare love every minute of every fucking day. Stow it in the trunk.
Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:28pm.
My husband made the mistake of looking at the ladybits as Little P was making his entrance. He had absolutely NO interest in sex until I pushed the issue 3+ months later.
^^^^
My sister's husband did something similar. She had a c-section and he said to her later, "From your head, you looked fine. I stood up to look over the drape and they had your intestines out...you looked like a science experiment." He almost passed out in the delivery room. Of course, my ex was a surgery xray tech and he was in the room for my hysterectomy--- NOT a good idea. He kept having to leave. Finally the nurses convinced him not to go back in. LOL
Submitted by TOPANGA on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:05pm.
I'm gonna need Jessica Simpson to have a seat (on a very sturdy steel chair)with all of this over sharing lately. In my opinion a woman who feels the need to overshare and brag about her seemingly perfect love life is secretly insecure
______________________________________________
This. People who are really and truly happy don't feel the need to brag about it.
I have a friend who went through a long single spell (4 years) and now that she has a BF, updates FB every two seconds with "Going to the latest fabulous eatery in NYC with my amazing man" or "I just love my amazing sexy wonderful awesome boyfriend." Not sure if that's supposed to induce jealousy, or what? I've met the guy, and he's no prize...I can tell you that. She can have him!
_______________________________________________
GG, you going to the game on Monday?? I don't think the game the other night could have been closer. I'll look for you next to the guy in the Darth Vader mask...LOL!
Submitted by annobanano on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 12:47pm.
PS - Hockey fan - shoes are cute, but I've tried some on and they don't fit well.
^^^
Troo dat. Most women can't wear 6 inch heels. We don't have Barbie feet. But I bought a purse of hers and didn't realize it was a JS until I got it home...still one of the cutest bags I have and I have to say, the quality is amazing. Even my stepdaughter couldn't destroy it...and she has done some heinous damage to my bags. lol
Dude, after reading all these comments, I am never having a kid. Ever.
Sorry MrrKat! :D
I love bitches with zero shame. This one's like a dippy blonde honey badger. Quite frankly, she's an inspiration.
-------------------------
*tosses a bag of hot dicks into Jeanneee's trough* BON APPETIT BITCH! - Raul Duke, 1/26/11
be quiet jessica...
_____________________________________________
"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
Jessica, put a cork in it. And by "it", I mean every orifice of your body. Nostrils included.
****************************************************
"Uh, hello, room service? I'd like some bacon, a couple of Cokes, and a bunch of whores." -Butthead, of Beavis and Butthead
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:30pm.
Blown out Vagina! Now THAT should be on a t-shirt or the name of a band at least.
Dammit, GG! Now I've got root beer all over the monitor! :-P
Band name? Why not? Fall Out Boy...Blown Out Vagina. Makes perfect sense (not).
Gee, I REALLY needed to know that.
Speaking from experience, there is no way in hell I would have had sex just after I had my daughter. I got off lucky-only had a tiny tear that didn't require any stitches and healed quickly. Still, you bleed for about 6 weeks. It's like being on your period.
Still, from what I have read, it's really bad to have sex right after a C-Section because that wound needs time to heal properly. She is risking rupture and/or infection.
WTF does she feel the need to share this shit with the world?
When I clicked on the comments of this post, it said 69 comments. I giggled. Its like I'm 12 all over again.
She doesn't edit at all... does she :/
Submitted by Madam Pince on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:28pm.
Bitch is gonna get a flesh-eating uterine infection. Chochas need a break after a birth, regardless of how the baby comes out. I waited till my doctor said it was okay to get back on the horse and I STILL got a major infection requiring cryosurgery.
____________
DAMMNNNNNN, GINA!!!! That sucks! I hope all eventually got back to normal.
And, Jessica, please... for the sake of humanity.... SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. I second the motion that mags need to stop interviewing her.
(edited b/c I can't fucking proof read)
No Jessica - he is not the sexiest man alive - he just wants your money.
She really needs to shut the fuck up with her gross ass. And magazines need to stop interviewing her.
I hate talking shit, but she's fucking gross.
I got a little home silk screen kit last xmas...So If u see some broad with this on her tatas - that'll be me!
That still won't keep him. He'll bolt eventually. She'd better nail him down with a wedding ASAP. Although if she's going to wait to lose weight, that may take a few years.
GG - HAHAHA! You payin for the screen printing?
Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:22pm.
Oh man, my husband wanted to have sex just a couple of weeks after I gave birth. And I had an episiotomy, which is no joke, as the first week my mom had to help me get on and and off the toilet. I barked at him so rabidly, he was skeered.
Honestly, Zorbz, that's just horrible, horrible. I'd have put a 'Talky-Tina' device up my vag in your situation.
Submitted by little_rascal on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:30pm.
What the hell is he doing with that dingbat? The guy went to Yale for Christ sake.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -
Gettin' paid!
Blown out Vagina! Now THAT should be on a t-shirt or the name of a band at least.
What the hell is he doing with that dingbat? The guy went to Yale for Christ sake.
I think she wants to still seem sexy even though she's so fat...she gained way more than just baby weight...
Oh sweet holy sacred vagina!
Some of you women with your horror stories make me want to O.D. on birth control pills (is that possible?)!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCk!
Bless your hearts for putting up with that shit. I'd seriously go Bobbit on a man that tried to bone me with stitches down there. I would expect the women on the jury to be sympathetic to my plight.
My husband made the mistake of looking at the ladybits as Little P was making his entrance. He had absolutely NO interest in sex until I pushed the issue 3+ months later.
The site of a blown out vagina is what makes dicks limp.
Bitch is gonna get a flesh-eating uterine infection. Chochas need a break after a birth, regardless of how the baby comes out. I waited till my doctor said it was okay to get back on the horse and I STILL got a major infection requiring cryosurgery.
**************************************************
"Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly." ~~ Jon Hamm
I want her to get pregnant again...so she can get FATTER! :D
Submitted by Gardening Girl: "Lisbet, if my husband would have wanted sex after my having squeezed out a kid, believe me he'd limp away with a lacerated dick!"
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I was thinking something similar.
If a man can't just whack it for himself for a few weeks so his wife can recover, he's not worth a turd.
Dumbass is going to get knocked up again like Tori and Dean. Hope she's on birth control.
Submitted by Nanners on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:03pm.
Isn't 6+ weeks the usual amount of pussy vacation time women get post-baby?
What say ye, Dlisted Moms?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Same for all. The pussay still needs a rest as your body goes through labor..... and everything down there is connected. The kitty still hurts whether the bebeh comes out thataway or not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There isn't enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.~ S.C.
jessica broke the football rule of going from being a tight end, to being a wide receiver.
please, jessica, reveal more.
Submitted by Fat Lady on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 12:50pm.
Yuck. I've read about men who insist on sex even after their wives have had an episiotomy.
********
Oh man, my husband wanted to have sex just a couple of weeks after I gave birth. And I had an episiotomy, which is no joke, as the first week my mom had to help me get on and and off the toilet. I barked at him so rabidly, he was skeered.
will someone please shut her the fuck up already? PLEASE!!!! nothing intelligent or noteworthy ever comes out of her mouth.
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:16pm.
One of my sisters had a vaginal birth, and says the nurse told her at a checkup to start having intercourse ASAP. Apparently, it would push everything back up...
W.T.F????
She is full of shit,literally.
Someone needs to steralize this bitch or have her tubes tied. How is she allowed to procreate?
The kid has no chance.
What an embarrassment to the country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She no fucky fucky... she sucky sucky!
Victim of a CSec here and there's just no way! Cowboy, cowgirl, missionary, three legged monkey... nope!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There isn't enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.~ S.C.
Please let someone in her camp show her these comments...please.
For the love of Jesus, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:08pm.
Topanga - it's no secret how insecure Chestica Simpleton is. Did you ever see an episode of "Newlyweds?"
Yes, she came off more needy and annoying than insecure to me. Her insecurity seemed to have come after the divorce, hence why she would date a douche like John Mayer. Twice.
____________________________________
"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George
Submitted by M.E. on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:06pm.
Nanners - vaginal birth is 6 weeks. Not sure about a c-section, but I am sure there is a "vacation" period doctors advise you of.
===============
Not necessarily. One of my sisters had a vaginal birth, and says the nurse told her at a checkup to start having intercourse ASAP. Apparently, it would push everything back up, and it's fine as long as both parties are okay with it, and the birth was relatively easy.
(This was the NHS. Make of that what you will.)
But I always assumed that it was different for C-sections.
Submitted by TOPANGA on Fri, 06/01/2012 - 1:05pm.
I'm gonna need Jessica Simpson to have a seat (on a very sturdy steel chair)with all of this over sharing lately. In my opinion a woman who feels the need to overshare and brag about her seemingly perfect love life is secretly insecure and is overcompensating for deep down unhappiness and failure i.e a non-existent singing career, a failed marriage to a a good guy (Nick Lachey), and getting knocked up by a has-been ex NFL player who is prob living off her.
I agree with you. I also theorized that maybe hearing her thought echo back to herself many times with all that empty space up there makes her think it is a good idea to say it, when it really is not.
Why risk your lady parts, isn't that what giving head is for?
---------------------------------------
What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/
I take that back, I remembered reading someplace that ex-footballers blow through their money and go broke. He's gonna hang onto this "retirement fund" with both hands.
Topanga - it's no secret how insecure Chestica Simpleton is. Did you ever see an episode of "Newlyweds?"
Hope someone tells her we all think he's gonna bolt.