The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson And Baby Maxwell On People Magazine
Lately, it seems like celebrities have been debuting their baby friends to public eyes for free on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook or by creating the image of their baby's face with fireworks over a blue-lit Empire State Building (that's how Blue Ivy made her public debut, right?). So it warms my money-loving gene to see that there's still some celebrities out there with old-fashioned pimp values who will gladly whore out their baby's first pictures for a suitcase full of neatly-stacked hundred dollar bills.
The moonshine jug in Jessica Simpson's backyard where she keeps her money is $800,000 fuller thanks to this picture of her 10 pound bundle of baby Maxwell Drew. I know, Maxwell Drew looks so young for a 5-year-old! Who knew that Jessica's amniotic fluid ocean was the real fountain of youth.
Jessica tells People that she gave birth to MD via C-section, because she had a TEN POUND BABY and she wants to leave the heavy duty birthing to Michelle Duggar's industrial-strength super vagina slide. Jessica also said this stuff:
"We stare at her all the time," says Simpson. "We can't get enough!"
But becoming new parents hasn't been without its hardships. Recovering from surgery – Simpson delivered via C-section – isn't easy, she says, and nursing, which she does throughout the day, has become "a full-on job."
Still, "It's the worst if I have to pump and give Eric a bottle to give her," says Simpson. "I miss holding her and having that closeness."
It's funny that Jessica didn't mention that when they broke her water, an amniotic fluid tidal wave poured out with Jonah bodysurfing in it. You'd think she'd talk about that. Maybe she's waiting to sell that little story to Christian Living Magazine. On a different note...
The ho who Photoshopped this cover needs to intern with Mimi's personal team of Photoshoppers, because they went too far with Jessica's face. Jessica should have a natural glow from being a new mother and from being $800,000 richer. Her face shouldn't look like an inside/out rubber clown mask. For shame.
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Aww Baby's fine. Cheeky cheeks, that's all. Jess probably looked exactly like that too! Except she'd be better off in a quiet room napping, rather than a room full of people, cameras and lights! Hhahah
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Why does Jessica's face look like Kyra Sedgwick?
Datura, if you don't mind, I have added your quote as my siggie. : D
Submitted by Datura on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 10:59am.
I was a skinny, pink preemie. I looked like an earthworm until I was two months old.
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Submitted by Datura on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 10:59am.
Aww. I think fat babies are the cutest. I love a little chub.
I was a skinny, pink preemie. I looked like an earthworm until I was about 2 months old.
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Awwww my niece was a preemie too. Weighed just under 2 lbs. She was a cutie even though she wasn't a chubby baby. : )
This baby is actually not THAT fat. She just has a large head. But she looks much older which might explain why I don't find her cute. I'm one of those ppl who finds pretty much all newborns cute cuz they all look alike and stuff.
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Actually, I think that kid is pretty, I have a soft spot for fat babies since most babies of my family are born fat. I wasn't, I became fat later while the others became skinny.
And actually I'm still not fine with insulting kids, you'll never know if they'll grow into something you would like to marry.
OK, come on!! They photoshopped out around 30 lbs of chin off her!!!!! That is so fucking ridiculous. As a mother of 2 who has lots of these "me and my baby" photos, I can tell you the fat chin does not go away in a month! Please, please someone find the "before" picture of her and post it!
All babies look like Don Rickles at first.
This baby looks chubby now but will probably grow up anorexic.
While Johnson is a jock, he's also a Yalie. I don't know what they talk about. Even big tits, sexual napalm, and unlimited credit get old after a while--maybe a long while, but still...
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Please: It's "rahnday."
Oh, shit. Please don't tell me people think that because your baby is big that it's a guarantee they're going to be overweight as an adult? Fucking LOL if you think so.
And for people calling a little innocent baby ugly - wow. You may wanna hurl insults at Jessica for all her stupidity but leave the bubba out of this. All babies look the same for a couple of months.
She's not that cute; yet...lifting her is probably a workout for this bimbo but I'm sure she's had a tummy tuck and the fat sucked out of her arms
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Wow! Chesticas baby is...uh...HEALTHY. Yes, very healthy.
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C'mon guys, it's a baby, for Pete's sake, she didn't get to pick out what she looks like, anyway I think she's "breathtaking" (LOL)
Her face really does look like a rubber clown mask. Sorry but that baby is not very cute.
I don't like the modern misuse of "fiancé" when there are no real wedding plans. People use it to ameliorate the old-fashioned sins of living together and having a kid out of wedlock. It's a lot more honest to say, depending on context, "my lover" (or "my boyfriend") and "my daughter's father."
Here, fatty gave her kid the daddy's family name and left her name out of it. We'll see how that works out inna few.
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Please: It's "rahnday."
And she's not that cute. Maybe it's just a bad pic.
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Holy cow that is a fat baby! and judging by her open mouth, they probably took the bottle out for just enough time to take this pic so that she wouldn't cry.
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That baby is hideous.
It needed to be said.
Gag. Don't you have enough of everything? You had to get PAID for your shots? GRRRRR.
I loathe when people sell pics of their babies - it reeks of opportunism and ego.
Yuck
@M.E. and Echo27
HAHA! And I agree that those baby headbands are child abuse. Let me cut off the circulation on my baby's head because I want her to look like a bitchy Valley Girl baby.
That baby is fat, dude. Look at her fat face.
Jess, please don't eat the baby.
Poor baby inherited her mother's "Duhrrrrrr" facial expression. My own story: I had gestational diabetes with my pregnancy and my baby weighed 6lb 12 oz at birth and has never been chubby a day in her life. I gained more weight than average (maybe 40 lbs) but I never was as big as J-Simp. Baby weight is HARD TO LOSE when you have the GD. I dieted for a year and ended losing my gallbladder because of my diet. (On the plus side that was about 3 lbs of weight gone just like that (or whatever gallbladders weigh)...yeah I'm a vain bitch).
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
Wow, that is one hideous pumpkin patch doll >:o/
...and NO, not all babies are cute!!
anyone who believes those inflated figures her creepy father leaks is an imbecile - she's not getting $4 million from Weight Watchers and she didn't get $800k from People magazine -- and for the real dullards out there: no, she hasn't generated a billion dollars from her clothing line. Use your heads, dimwits.
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is a walking argument against nepotism.
My friend had gestational diabetes when she was a surrogate for her other friend. She was carrying twins and had to be on bedrest for THREE MONTHS...I woulda cried or died. The twins are fine now but shes had problems ever since. My kid was huge and everybody in the nurse's station checked my chart for gest diab...nope just a big baby.
wheres the other 2 babies?! I swore she was carrying triplets
www.theinfamouslife.com
www.twitter.com/so_infamous
why the hell are you focussing on this when we can be hearing about justin's engagement party
Confirmed, Chestica has signed on with Weight Watchers for $4 million to be their spokes whore. She gained roughly 75 lbs (I say more)and count down to her "first" post baby body appearance.
Sorry - redundant post
It's hard to predict which way kids will go. My sister was super skinny as a young girl but when she hit puberty she blew up and still hasn't lost weight as an adult. I was a chunky monkey with a big butt and pot belly and when I hit my growth spurt, I shot up and have been thin ever since. The problem with big babies is they always look like boys. Not to mention this kid has a boy's name so it sucks even worse.
The baby looks like a miniature Chaz Bono.
Submitted by Nanners on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 12:40pm.
Posh, Anna Wintour and I do not approve of baby hairbands.
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Then why is Harper wearing them all the time?
Why is everyone clutching their pearls over this cover? It's no surprise that it was going to happen.
Submitted by Athina on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 10:32am.
God forgive me for this, but...fat babies are not cute. I feel sorry for them. I mean if the kid is born obese, what kind of shot does it have in life? Maybe if her pig of a mother put down the KFC during her pregnancy, the kid would not have been born looking like a sumo wrestler.
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How dumb. The chubbiness of a baby has nothing to do with how they will be as an adult. And I can't believe you would call a newborn baby obese.
I hope that baby gets better-looking.
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"Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly." ~~ Jon Hamm
I can see why she needed a C-section
The baby is cute, but big as Godzilla
Good thing she's breastfeeding. It will help her shed that 80 pounds she gained eating buttered poptarts the whole time.
Her shoulder looks like someone popped it out of its socket or something. Yeesh.
She forgot to mention the tummy tuck and lipo after the c-section. Shame on you Weight Watchers.Baby looks like daddy.
Doobies and Boobies--Brandon Brown