Don’t Fuck With The Lesbeaver

May 28, 2012 / Posted by:

Someone’s balls finally dropped! And all it took was getting his Target junior miss stripey sock being exposed! Justin Bieber is supposedly wanted for assault. It’s like you just read Lindsay Lohan is wanted for her acting abilities! A member of the paparazzi has learned that you don’t get in front of Hilary Swank’s car without paying the price. That price being hearing damage from an angry falsetto voice squeaking at you, and possibly your t-shirt being untucked after a gangly youth “came at you, bro.”

TMZ sez that Justin was with his abuser Selena Gomez at a mall in Calabasa, CA when a photog wouldn’t move aside from in front of his car. Bieber puffed up his…gaucho pants with the paisley bandana accents(?)…exited his car and put the Heisman on that ho. The pap called the po-po, but Bonnie and Clyde 2012 (Mary Lay Latourneu and Villi Edition) had already fled the scene.

The “victim” was unable to use his camera anymore due to chest pains (and the dollar signs obscuring his eyes) so he was taken to a hospital, treated and released. The cops are calling it a misdemeanor battery and looking to question Bieber. You know he’s walking around the kitchen all shaky, regaling his bodyguards and family with the story of how he beat that guy’s ass, while Selena frowns and wonders why she’s hanging around with his androgyny when she could be having a train run on her by One Direction. Way manlier.

Witnesses at the scene say that a guy claiming he was an attorney came out of the crowd after Bieber left, and urged the injured party to file a complaint and ride in an ambulance because there could be cash involved. Always trust legal counsel whose client base consists of people he met on curbs.

This coud be some Legend Of Billie Jean shit. Go on the run, Bieber. You’ve got her haircut already.

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