Jenny McCarthy Better WATCH Her Child-Killin’ Ass!

May 26, 2012 / Posted by:

I kid, I kid! Despite having a website devoted to her which lists how many children have died due to lack of vaccinations, I know she didn’t mean to lead people astray. She claims to have cured her son, and blames his autism on vaccines. The problem is that the famed medical expert (whose qualifications include having been the former “flirtatious boob shaker” on MTV’s Singled Out) then wrote a book about it to share her wisdom. And then she went on Oprah. Oh dear. Cuz’ no one was ever influenced by Oprah’s show. Shit, I’m shocked this bitch didn’t accidentally bring polio back to us.

And now she goes and gets with HOT PIECE OF CAVEMAN ASS CHICAGO CUB BRIAN URLACHER? Strike two, ho. Urlacher is one of my many dream husbands. Michael K. has Mah Boo, I have any dude in the “linebacker ass” category (you thought MK was slutty…). E! sez the two have been spotted out and about in Chicago, and her person confirmed they’re dating.

“I’m outta fucks, here. Why is this a post?” Oh, it’s not a post! It’s a fucking warning! I’ve been gathering my resolve and the next time the Pats play the Cubs at Gilette, I’m storming the field and planting my face directly in Brian’s sweaty ass. They’re gonna need a Taser (or one of those Dunkin’ Donuts limited time only Men In Black 3 star donuts with the brownie-batter filling) to draw me out!. And if I have to snatch at Jenny’s cheap ass as I fly by, SO BE IT.

It won’t last. Once Jenny finds out that his three kids from previous relationships have been vaccinated, she’ll bounce. Those children have been tainted by life-saving science! Gross.

Correction: He actually plays for the Chicago Bears. That’s football. Cubs is baseball. Look, sports isn’t exactly my thing. I knew there was jockstraps involved and some sort of ursine animal. Shut up. I’d change it but then the comments pointing out what a fuck-up I am wouldn’t make any sense. *sigh*

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