One For The Gold Digger Hall Of Fame

Greg Allman of The Allman Brothers Band has been married 6 times, including one time to Cher, but now he can say with a full (and not at all vaginamatized) heart that he has found true, organic love with a girl who probably wasn’t even born yet when a white hair first sprouted out of his crotch bush. 64-year-old Greg went on Piers Morgan’s show on Tuesday night and introduced his child bride, 24-year-old Shannon Williams to the world. You might be thinking that this is a bad move for Greg’s checking account, but I have to disagree with your ass (and not only because I’m always on Team #getmoneybitch). This is a smart move! In one year, Greg and Shannon can save money at restaurants by ordering from the seniors AND children’s menu. Get that discount, bitches!

Greg also told Piers that he doesn’t consider Shannon as his 7th wife, he considers her his first wife. Yes, it’s like that.

“That’s not what she’s becoming. She’s becoming wife number one. I don’t have a wife. Haven’t had one for years.

And, added The Allman Brothers Band founding member, “This time, I am really in love.”

Can’t you feel the love in the air? Or maybe that breeze is from Anna Nicole Smith slow clapping for Shannon up in heaven.

The Japanese Are Taking “Eat A Dick, Bitch” Way Too Seriously

You might want to hit pause on that Memorial Day Weekend hot dog before reading this. You’ve been warned.

France 24 posted this story about a Japanese artist who….brace yourself, Bridget…removed, cooked, and served his genitals to five people in Tokyo. Lest you think this was some sort of super-freaky serial killer incident, think again. These people were willingly dining on his hog. This brings every eating dick-related insult to the forefront and makes them flee in terror. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Mao Sugiyama had his junk redacted by surgeons and kept everything on ice for two months. He then organized a May 13th dinner at an events hall. The five extreme foodies, who paid the equivalent of $250 American dollars to feast on a portion of Sugiyama’s set, were served a “seasoned and braised” dick entree garnished with potatoes and vegetables. I’m alternately cradling my package protectively and looking for something wholesome to watch on YouTube after finishing this shit.

I know the main ghastly here is the fact that a guy removed his dick and let five people eat it. But I’m a little shocked at how cheap that was. If you are looking to eat a dick, you are probably really looking to do it. That isn’t just a whim you have one day. He probably could have charged those cannibal freaks $500 a bitch for the privilege of his tubesteak.

Sugiyama considers himself asexual (sure is now), and says that he did this to raise the public awareness of “sexual minorities, x-gender, asexual people.” He’s gonna write a book. The police say that Sugiyama didn’t break any laws and no charges will be filed.

Some dumb motherfucker asked Sugiyama if he would be holding any more cock-eating events (sit down, John Travolta, they were being literal). Crazy Mao declined. Oh good, I don’t have to fly to Japan to taser his insane ass now.

“I receive questions from some women and men… asking ‘Will there be a next time? Please host it again.’ But there is only one set of male organ,” he tweeted on May 16.

“Unfortunately, I have no plan for the next time.”

I’m never eating hot dogs, knockworst, bratwurst, or fingerling potatoes ever again.

Afternoon Crumbs

Annapolis Naval Academy’s annual race up the lard monument is the most beautiful, peentastic, phallic and patriotic thing I’ve ever seen! USA! USA! – Buzzfeed

Keira Knightley is engaged and I’m wondering if her soon-to-be husband has told her that he’s the broken condom baby of David Archuleta and Perez Hilton – Lainey Gossip 

Kanye West’s movie sounds exactly like what his colonoscopy would look like – The Superficial

Food Network’s Anne Burrell says “DUH” to the news that she’s a gayelle – Towleroad

What in black and blue lattice crust hell is Kate Upton wearing? – Hollywood Tuna

More like a “titty-off” – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

TGISF – The Berry

Lisa Marie Presley ain’t lying, because I’m sure her soul is in a mason jar on Xenu’s shelf – Celebitchy

Clive Owen has never put the tingles in me, but for some reason his “70s retired police detective” look is – Just Jared

I see four saggy boobs: Kim, her tits and Kanye – ICYDK

Katy Perry is really taking this 90s goth look seriously – Popoholic

Tom Sturridge should not be puckering when he’s got that tragic display on his head – Popsugar

The Silver Fox slaps down another – SOW

Chace Crawford is moist – SOW

Brit Brit is special – Hollywood Rag

Nicole Kidman totally injects Botox into her nalgas – Cityrag

Six had a baby, didn’t name her Seven – I’m Not Obsessed

Whoever Pissed On Kim K.’s Dress Needs A Gatorade

Sometimes when you are out sailing on your own personal boatless booze cruise, you return home and piss urine so yellow that sunflowers and Big Bird want to know your secret. You are a dehydrated mess, and you need to drink a gallon of water stat so that the membranes that anchor your brain to your skull will stop threatening to snap.

This sort of person obviously helped Kim Kardashian with her styling last night because DRUNK PISS YELLOW. This was obviously on request, as we all know that Kimmy likes that yellow to mellow on her body. Her mom probably encouraged her to wear that to remind people that there’s still a sex tape out there available for purchase. She ain’t one to miss a potential marketing angle.

Other beauties and beasts at last night’s AMFAR gala at Cannes included Kylie Minogue (giving me the side-eye for suggesting she likes to be punch-fucked), Anja Rubik (she put her hipknife away, but she’s still all about highlighting her womancenter), Cara Delevingne (with some depressive caterpillar brows), Tara Reid (looking oddly washed), Lady Victoria Hervey (who proved she is indeed a lady by barely covering her fun bags), Paris Hilton (looking every inch of “over”), Sky Ferraira (if Pinhead had a sulky teenager daughter played by Ginnifer Goodwin), Rose McGowan (whose face has been so polished by injected chemicals that I just want to watch a fried egg effortlessly slide off of it), Gerard Butler (with pussy expectancy face), a hologram of Alec Baldwin (seriously, that’s some Picture of Dorian Gray shit), Vampyre Karl Lagerfeld, Jessie J. (whose ass AND right tit are trying to bust out of that dress in opposite directions), Miss Janet If You Suddenly Caught Vitilligo, and Joshua Jackson and that wedding cake he tricks with. I don’t care if the hair is silly and the facial expression is derp. I would be on Pacey like Kim K. on a sloshy bedpan.

Check out the rest of the pics below in the gallery.

Open Post: Hosted By A Skydiving Nightmare

It’s a good thing that I was planning on having an almost all-liquid booze diet this weekend, because I just ground up all of my teeth while watching this Almost Faces of Death shit! 80-year-old Laverne decided to cross “tandem skydive” off her bucket list and went to the Parachute Center in Northern California to do so. In this souvenir video, the daredevil memaw has her best free fallen’ wig on and looks excited about falling to the earth. But when they’re up in the plane and about to jump, Laverne decides she doesn’t want to fly like a bird and tries to hit the stop button on that shit. The tandem master pushes her anyway and as they fall, her harness comes loose and she hangs up in the air like something out of a retirement home’s terrifying version of Cirque du Soleil. It’s times like this that I wish I wore a butt plug, because my stomach fell out of my ass again.

After the heart attack-inducing experience, Laverne and her tandem master made it on the ground safely and I wouldn’t be surprised if the first words off of her tongue were, “Fuck all of this.” ABC News asked the Parachute Center about the video and they said it’s a year old, but didn’t have anymore details.

Yes, that video is a horrifying horror show, but as I watched it I became more and more impressed with Laverne’s wig-wearing game. I don’t think her wig shifted once mid-flight. Beyonce needs ole’ girl on her team!

via The Chive 

How Dare Aishwarya Rai Go Out In Public Looking Gorgeous

Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai has been described as the most gorgeous woman in the world by people who obviously have never felt their retinas curl from the sheer shock of Shauna Sand’s natural beauty. But when a picture of a fuller Aishwarya Rai, taken six months after she gave birth, made the rounds, some dim-brained shit bags told her to get out of the kitchen and get back on the treadmill! According to them, it’s her job as a Bollywood star to be skinny at all times…like Posh! Yeah, those bitches completely lost me when they compared Aishwarya Rai, a human being, to Posh, an alien amphibian who loses her 4 pounds of baby weight by shedding her skin on the plastic surgeon’s table while nurses from NASA suck tiny particles of fat from her gills with Dyson wet vacs. That seems unfair, but that’s probably just me.

At AmfAR’s Cinema Against AIDS gala in Cannes last night, Aishwarya Rai made her first red carpet appearance since dumb fucks called her fat and ugly, and guess what? She still looked hot. To me, Aishwarya Rai would still be gorgeous even if she had 50 extra pounds on her body and those 50 extra pounds were from wearing a floor length coat made of hideous glove shoes, boots made from Kardashian taint hair, three extra chins covered with UGGs fur, a CROCs top hat and a beaver backpack with Chris Brown’s face on it. I know, I went too far with whole “Chris Brown backpack” thing.