The Paperboy: The Movie Where Nicole Kidman Pisses All Over Zac Efron's Face And Chest
If your internet connection is going in and out this morning, that's because Kim Kardashian is furiously refreshing The Paperboy page on Fandango until the BUY TICKETS button comes up, because that bladder wine-loving heffa wants to buy ALL the tickets! If Lee Daniels' upcoming movie The Butler (co-starring Matthew McConaughey as John Fucking Kennedy) is going to be a major shit show, then his new movie The Paperboy is the piss stream before the dump. The Paperboy made its debut at Cannes this week and so far many of the critics have declared it a campy piece of utter shit. That means I can confidently say that The Paperboy is going to be my favorite cinematic masterpiss of 2012!
The Paperboy is based on the novel by Peter Dexter and follows two brothers, the Texas T-Rex and Zac Efron, as they investigate (Princess Zac as an investigator? HA!) the case of a death row inmate played by John Cusack. This is the part that is already making me hand over my credit card number to buy a ticket. Nicole Kidman plays a trashy, sex crazed tramp who is obsessed with John Cusack's character and wants to marry him. With Nicole's help, Zac and Matthew try to figure out if John Cusack committed the murder he was convicted of. Vulture says that in the scene where Nicole first meets John Cusack face-to-face, she is so horny for him that she rips off her pantyhose before her pussy explodes into a hand-free orgasm. Please tell me that after Nicole's coochie seizure moment, Zac snaps his fingers and says, "Guuuurrrl, I'll have what she's having!"
As for that scene where Nicole R. Kellys Zac, I'll let Vulture give it to you:
Later in the movie, as Efron's romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.
Thank the Maybelline Gods for waterproof foundation, because if Zac's "maybe she's born with it" face got messed up in the making of that AFI-worthy moment, he would've had a hissy fit over that...pissy fit (sorry).
And I'm calling it right now. The Oscar goes to......Nicole Kidman's piss stream!
Here's Zac Efron still glowing from his golden shower facial at The Paperboy photocall with human marble pillar Nicole Kidman, Macy Gray, Matthew McConaughey and John Cusack.
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Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:36am.
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Sorry I didn't quite catch the whole thing, I only seemed to hear, bla bla bla bla bla bla...My breasts, however, are still very large. :P!
Macy Gray has a daughter in High School, and her name is HAPPY. Yes, it is HAPPY.
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For the love of money
A woman will sell her precious body
For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green
Lisbet459 -- I'm all for trying to conserve resources, but I'm sorry, you have to use enough toilet paper to clean your ass properly. If you need 3 squares, fine. If you have a case of mud butt and need 12 squares fine, so be it. I could see her doing something like that. Yuck.
Jesus Fucking CRIST, MACY!!!!! Grow the fuck up and do something with your damn HAIR! Or shave it the fuck off!!!! fucking brillo pad.......
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Fuckery is what fuckery does.
I cannot and never have been able to stand Macy Gray. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
Thanks IF. He asked to stay home today, but I cannot take the day off with the boss on vacation. He gets out of school at 11:20 and BH should be off work by then. I told BH to go pick him up instead of putting him in kinder care till 2pm.
I accidentally dove into a bunch of those small milky white jellyfish playing frisbee one time. I came up and looked like I was wearing fringe, not even kidding. It hurt like hell but I rubbed sand on it like a normal person.
what does Macy Gray's Don King-looking ass have to do with this? as if there's not enough fuckery going on in this flick 8-P
Please tell me that after Nicole's coochie seizure moment, Zac snaps his fingers and says, "Guuuurrrl, I'll have what she's having!"
TEE HEE!! HA HA HA HA HA XD
Zac Efron looks smokin hot, but this movie will probably suck.
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Submitted by Twat Muffin on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:32am.
...Cheryl Crow. I'm not surprised by her, she looks like she'd smell, like bad B.O.
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In 2007, she advised people to only use one square of loo roll per, er, visit:
http://www.ecorazzi.com/2007/04/23/sheryl-crow-to-students-try-to-use-on...
I heard she tried to play it off as a joke afterwards once people started to make fun of her, but jeez, it's just too believable, isn't it?
Oh M.E. I hope he doesn't get flu either. Middle Fury didn't feel that well this morning but she went to school. This one that's going around is just hideous. I'm coughing so much it's making me nauseous and feeling barfy.
Best news is that our rival team postponed our match (tennis) on Saturday. Thank god and it makes them look like shit. Don't know if I am up for it.
Good luck with little p
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:36am.
I was hoping to hear you were feeling better IF! Hopefully you can get some rest and send that flu packing soon!
Whamo -- I had one teacher, Mrs. Killian, doing the retro Nancy Sinatra look. She was short & squatty, had sun-damaged skin, wore polyester mini-skirts, white go-go boots, ill-fitting polyester turtleneck tops, and the chain belts you speak of. She also sported a Carol Brady shag hairdo. She looked like ass but thought she was hot. Bitch yelled at me once and I hated her for it as I was little Miss Perfect and was only late because my girlfriend's alcoholic father picked us up late and it wasn't my fault. Ahhh, those were the days.
I have no idea about this movie, BUT I am ashamed to admit I am slightly intrigued by RPatz's Cosmopolis flick.
The reason I mentioned it was because it was also a Cannes entry.
Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:31am.
Hey you bastards, start saving your dimes!!
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dimes, huh?... i only have nickels, but i had no idea this was gonna be like a vending machine... can i swipe a card down your bottom, and run a tab?
OT: i have no earthly way of doing this right now... oh, so tired.
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
IF - sorry you still feel crappy. Little P woke up with a raspy cough yesterday. Was so deep last night I put the humidifier in his room with the vicks melt, hacking and coughing this morning. No fever, not sure if it's allergies or what.
Hope it's not the flu!!
I'm still a bit buzzy, Whamo. I think it's because I have had no adult interaction all week. I'm waffling on and on.
I have someone coming after school to take care of the kids, thankfully and I'm feeling all slim with the weight loss. Silver lining I guess. My breasts, however, are still very large (FYI).
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Dark-sided!
3 outta the 4 Zac Efron action figures Perez keeps shoved up his buttsecks hole just shot out and are now in orbit somewhere over West Hollywood.
http://youtu.be/i9WOdnR-Nfs
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I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.
LOL @ Hoffer!
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by IrishFury on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:31am.
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You done got yer mind right?
*said in thick southern drawl*
Bigbendy -- awwww, you're from Chicago, too? Just like my other friend, Louise_Brooks. Vince used to be cute way back when, now he looks & acts like a bloated whale. And don't forget that other ass, Piven. No, we really don't have anyone too cool or hot. Except us, of course, LOL!
IrishFury -- OMG, that is so gross about Lance Armstrong & Cheryl Crow. I'm not surprised by her, she looks like she'd smell, like bad B.O. And Depp, yeah, I knew about his B.O., but I didn't know about his undies. What is wrong with these people???
I've never experienced pain quite like a jellyfish sting. I can't imagine being stung by more than one at once.
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"Brows should not look like a condiment!" -MK
Um, ew and WHY? And Zac is a little hottie, so I'm going to just ignore this little piece of trivia.
LMFAO Hoffer!
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:11am.
or a couple of beat-on broads doing the retro Nancy Sinatra look, and quite poorly I might add.
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OMG LOL! YUP I remember the white knee high boots and the big giant loop chain waist belt thing that was worn with a dress that had huge polka dots on it.
Hey you bastards, start saving your dimes!!
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Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?
Hi bendy :)
I didn't have a great night as my two silly daughters were in my bed (I wish they weren't so cute and I'd turf 'em out but they miss their Dad and I haven't the heart to send them to their own rooms and I also find it comforting to have them with me except I felt bad my 8 year old son was in his own bed and holy roll-on-sentence)so am still in bed today. My chest feels like a ton of bricks and my froat is still killing me. It's freaking gorgeous out too, 80 and sunny.
how you doin'?
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:25am.
THIS^^
The Raven wasn't even good, campy fun. I'm a total Poe fangurl and it was terribly disappointing.
You're completely right about RDJ.
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Every year around Halloween, a winery in my area hosts "Poe Evermore," in which actors perform Poe's works. The first year I went, the actor who played Poe looked EXACTLY like him, so much so that the second I saw him I damn near had a heart attack.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
This movie has "epic mess" written all over it. I would suggest a few rewrites to make it more interesting: Zac's character could play a sexually confused boy chasing some dumb-ass Texas hick across the country (Matt's character). On the way he meets a beautiful yet stone-faced woman who used to be a great actress but is now faking a pregnancy to draw attention to herself.
Oh wait. That's their lives!
"jellyfish" are the posters here that comment on Courtney Stodden posts.
Christine the hoff, don't short-change yourself. They'll line up!! *starts selling tickets* LOLOLOL
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by ba-buttons on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 10:52am.
OT - How the fuck does Kidman get work?
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Because she's actually very talented when she picks the right roles - Birth, for instance, is a fantastic film.
She just makes appalling decisions about which films to pick. And she willingly freezes her face, which has to be the stupidest thing an actress can do to herself.
Truly OT: I met a woman today, who was the very face - and body - of Nicki Minaj, minus the crazy wig. It was brilliant.
Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:12am.
For like, half that money, you can watch me piss and get a good look at the hoff's taco box!
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LMFAO!!
Hey IF, how are you feeling? Better I hope. The flu is a bitch. I haven't gotten it since I started getting the Flu mist thing.....the doc squirts it up my nose. It really has worked for me, better than the flu shot.
OT, Zac looks a little butch in the main photo.
This sounds unintentionally hilarious! I think I'd like to see Nicole in this hot mess! Yup, weird! Zachy-boy is looking gewd though, once he shed skunky Vanessa and started stunt-dropping rubbers, Imma liking him a lot more!! Hehehehe
WT heck is Matthew McConaughey doing there?!? T-Rex, leave! ;D
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Seeing Kidman cast with a young actor, set in the past, I automatically think of "To Die For"
Submitted by QueenieBK on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:11am.
I admit, I do like him as an actor but he was seriously miscast as Edgar Allan Poe in The Raven. Poe is one of my favorites, so I was really disappointed. I think RDJ would have been a better pick.
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THIS^^
The Raven wasn't even good, campy fun. I'm a total Poe fangurl and it was terribly disappointing.
You're completely right about RDJ.
Why is a pissing scene even necessary in the movie? Smacks of publicity whoreism.
And I think I am the only female on earth for whom this twink does NOTHING for.
Macy looks like she's going to a Home Depot Christmas party.
Efron is of age right?
I know he's a pretty boy, but something from those trailers for "The Lucky One" get my lady parts all tingly.
*shameface*
so, you pee on jellyfish stings and what, it makes them all better because of the ammonia in piss? is this a medically proven fact? if it is, then I want to see a beach full of piss-squatters this summer at Rockaway.
Didn't Lance Armstrong and Cheryl Crow leave their rental a filthy mess and Crow left lots of dirty underwear around? Didn't someone here say that?
Isn't Depp known for his shit stained undies and smell?
They're all gross.
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Dark-sided!
I prefer this Paperboy more
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imhEIcv7tI4
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How can a man be a mom?
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
LMAO at Rauuuuuuulio!!!
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:12am.
such a delicate, soft way of putting it... "taco box"... and it's going for a bargain, i see... sign me up!
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
Twat Muffin. Totally agree with you about John Cusask. He never did it for me. Our other big dog from Chicago, Vince Vaughn is a dog too. Aren't there any hotties from the windy city?
QueenieBK -- shit-stained underwear left behind? OMG, that is so disgusting!!! I can't imagine ever doing something like that. I'd be so horrified with embarrassment. And you're right, RDJ would have been perfect as Poe. I'll eventually see "The Raven" when it comes on cable.
THIS! http://youtu.be/hZN565uhnGc That is all.
http://youtu.be/i9WOdnR-Nfs
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I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.
What is this shit????
For like, half that money, you can watch me piss and get a good look at the hoff's taco box!
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Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?
Whamo -- I had either the nuns wearing the Macy Gray polyester pantsuits, the fat teachers wearing the polyester dresses sporting the Edna Turnblad/Hairspray look, or a couple of beat-on broads doing the retro Nancy Sinatra look, and quite poorly I might add.