Lindsay Lohan’s Finally Got Her Dick

May 24, 2012 / Posted by:

After an international casting search (a couple of days of auditions in a casting trailer on a lot somewhere in Culver City) that stretched several continents (the casting agents ordered Chinese for lunch one day, so that counts, right?) and saw dozens of A-list actors (A as in anydudewhoagreestoworkwiththatmess), Lindsay Lohan’s finally got her Dick. Deadline Hollywood says that Kiwi actor Grant Bowler has been cast as Richard Burton and will start filming Lifetime’s soon-to-be-mess Liz & Dick in only 10 days. The press release about Grant’s casting from executive producer Larry A. Thompson is a hilarious and ridiculous string of words and I swear I could practically taste the bad shit particles floating off of each letter, because he was definitely high on some shit when he dictated this to his administrative assistant:

“Grant will add gravitas to our couple and bring to life one of the greatest actors who has ever lived. Burton was a Welsh poet, a rascal, and a man’s man, who swept Elizabeth Taylor off her feet and flew her so close to the sun that they both exploded into stardust that still lights up Hollywood.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope the entire script is like that, because that is shit wrapped in gold double wrapped in shit again. “He flew her so close to the sun….” Is that how they’re going to explain why the skin of LiLo’s Liz looks like Panda Express orange chicken that was left under a heat lamp too long. Damn, this is going to be good.

Grant was in Ugly Betty (as Wilhelmina’s piece), True Blood (as Cooter), GCB, Atlas Shrugged and he he hosts Australia’s Amazing Race. And soon he’ll be known as the grown man who is running nekkid ass nekkid down the 405 while pulling his hair out, because trying to work with that freckled mess put the crazies in him. Oh, and Grant better hold a spray bottle full of self tan remover at all times, because White Oprah is so going to try wrap her legs around his head and bitch is allergic to that shit.

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