Brit Brit’s X-Factor Rider Reads Exactly The Way You’d Expect It To Read

Correction: It’s not totally what I expected. That headline is a liar. I expected to see a gigantic tub (made of Cheetos powder and bacon glue) full of Fresca and buttered popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellies in there. Maybe she’s saving that for the live shows.

Seen here looking like a scared kindergarten on picture day who was told to keep her hands to herself, Brit Brit started her first day as judge on The X-Factor in Austin, TX today. Before the Louisiana trailer park blossom judges bitches who have more natural singing talent than she does, she has to fill her belly bag with fried chicken, Doritos and Diet Coke stew. Something called Look Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) says these are Brit Brit’s dressing room demands:

34 Herve Leger bandage dresses
12 Snickers bars
6 cases of Diet Coke
10 bags of Doritos
12 vases of magnolias
10 pieces of fried chicken
4 pints of tater salad
1 manicurist, 1 facialist and 1 massage therapist

The manicurist is there to scrub the Doritos smemga out of her nail gutters. The facialist is there pick the pieces of fried chicken dingles off of her cheeks. And the massage therapist is there to knead out the doody knot that’s in her ass from eating all that shit. But seriously, that list is actually pretty tame for Brit Brit. You’d think she’d force them to move a Circle K into her trailer. It’s a sad day when Brit Brit is eating fried chicken and a Snickers for lunch instead of sucking off a gas station nacho cheese dispenser like she did in the old days. There’s not even Velveeta grits on that list!