Mary Murphy Really Does Know How To Party

May 22, 2012 / Posted by:

I know there had to be a good and reasonable reason for why I’ve always looked at Mary Murphy as one of the animals in my spirit animal menagerie and here it is! Radar says that ballroom dancer turned So You Think You Can Dance judge Mary Murphy has been sued by her former manager Michael Sanchez for breaching their contract by firing his ass in 2010. Michael says that Mary owes everything to him since he saved her job on SYTYCD and her life by helping her through coke and cock-fueled breakdown after coke and cock-fuled breakdown. Michael is suing Mary for $1 million in lost commissions and shit.

In the lawsuit filed on Monday, Michael Sanchez states that he became Mary Murphy’s manager in 2006 and stayed with her even though she was a human nightmare and regularly drove her hot tamale train through a pile of coke before crashing onto a hard dick. Here’s just some of the shit Michael is accusing reality TV’s answer to Lindsay Lohan of:

- Mary is a “desperate, cocaine-fueled nymphomaniac” who wet humped on all sorts of shady men including crew members from SYTYCD and Chelsea Lately. (Side note: Chelsea Handler has never been so proud in her life!)

- The security for Mary’s apartment building once broke into her home and found her unconscious after a night of snorting the bad shit.

- During a business trip to Australia, Michael waltzed into Mary’s suite and found a naked SYTYCD producer in her bed and a pile of coke on her nightstand.

- Mary repeatedly violated national game show laws and FOX TV rules by secretly coaching her favorite SYTYCD contestants.

- Mary was always drunk during tapings and hid the sweet nectar in her plastic Coke cup. (“Bitch stole my trick!” - Paula Abdul)

So what Michael’s saying is that Mary Murphy is a coked up, peen-hungry 2-liter Coke bottle of crazy? That sounds about right. If the judge needs concrete proof that Mary Murphy is a spastic cokehead, here’s Exhibit: Every Letter in the Alphabet:

My description of a “peen-hungry 2-liter Coke bottle” reminds me of the time as a kid when one of my friends pulled his peener out at a backyard birthday party and stuck it in a 2-liter bottle of Shasta. There’s a time and a place for sticking your tiny peener in a 2-liter Shasta bottle and that wasn’t one of them.

And the producers of Liz & Dick should read ever word of Michael Sanchez’s lawsuit, because they’re going to file the exact same lawsuit against Lindsay Lohan in a couple of months.

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