Dressed like a nurse practitioner in a porn movie, Miley Cyrus went to the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas last night and made it perfectly clear that her chipmunk chichis can’t be tamed. While I appreciate it when a ho leaves her shirt and pants at home, Miley can’t pull off the “70s cougar at a swingers party” look. That big mop on her big head looks like a cross between The Rachel on paint fumes and Barbarella. The under titty chain does give off an elegant “dripping with class” vibe, but it’s still not enough to save any of this. Bitch looks like Bugs Bunny’s inbred second cousin in drag as Jane Fonda. Leave the “blazer with no top” look to Amanda Woodward, Miley!
If you really wanted to spend your Monday afternoon rinsing your retinas out with sequined fugness, skip through all the pictures of bitches looking a mess last night. In order: Dr. Slow Bunny McTitChain, the bain of Siri’s existence, Nelly Furtado, Wiz Khalifa with Amber Rose, Brandy (giving us Muppet Diana Ross), Alicia Keys with Swizz Beak, Usher, Lisa Marie Presley with lesbian Tom Petty, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwears with her husband, Robin Thicke (who must have sores on his pits), Natasha Bedingfield, that Call Me Maybe girl and The Lesbeaver.