The 29th Richest Person In The World Got Married Yesterday

One day after Mark Zuckberg’s farts became worth five thousand times more than the contents of most of our checking accounts, he married his girlfriend of 9 years Priscilla Chan. If I was a brand new billionaire, my wedding would be in a custom-built In-N-Out castle and Shauna Sand would officiate the ceremony in a giant lucite heel jacuzzi tub while the first season cast of Kids Inc. (sans Fergie) sang Samantha Fox’s greatest hits in a huge basket of kittens. But Mark Zuckberg kept it low-key and instead married Priscilla in their backyard in front of around 100 family and friends. BORING!

UsWeekly says that Mark and Priscilla spent five months planning the wedding and kept gossiping bitches from spilling the news by telling their guests the party was to celebrate her graduating from medical school. Mark wore a suit (I’m sure there’s a hoodie attached to the back of his blazer), Priscilla wore a dress, he gave her a simple ruby ring and Billie Joe Armstrong performed at the reception. Both Mark and Priscilla announced the news last night by changing their Facebook statuses to “married.”

Mark and Priscilla’s official wedding picture looks more like Herp and Derp’s official wedding picture, but that’s not the most disappointing part about all of this. The most disappointing part is that I’m pretty sure Priscilla is marrying Mark for love and not because he’s richer than five Oprahs. Just think of all the gold diggers Priscilla Chan kept from doing their life’s work by marrying Mark solely for his multi-billion dollar fortune. Think of the Heather Mills of the world, Priscilla. How fucking selfish of her!