Charlize Theron Was A Toofless 10-Year-Old Girl

Charlize Theron is one of those gorgeous beauties who tries to convince us that when she was a kid, she was a disgustingly gross creature who cowered under a bench in the playground as brats threw peanut shells at her. (Yes, I’m typing from experience.) Charlize is still trying to convince us of that shit and she said in an interview (via The Sun and Gawker) that she had jaundice as a child and the condition left her with a mouth full of not much until she was about 11. Up until then, Charlize said she was walking around looking like a Cyrus.

“My early childhood was quite devastating. I had no teeth until I was 11.I had these fangs because I had jaundice when I was a kid and I was put on so many antibiotics that my teeth rotted. They had to cut them out. So I never had milk teeth. That was tough, you know, being in school having photos taken while I was pretending I had teeth. It was hideous.”

The mother on that Time cover is taking notes like, “Antibiotics, you say?“

I’m trying to figure out if it’s worse to have no teeth as a child or to have some amazingly jacked up jank teeth as a child? My teeth were a disaster zone. One tooth looked drunker the next and they were all going to different parties. One toof was stumbling toward the right, another toof was stumbling toward the left and another toof was falling back. If teeth are the grill of the face, then mine were the front of an Oldsmobile Cutlass after it rammed into a metal fence. I had to brush my teeth vertically because that shit was so jagged. I wore a headgear, braces and a golf glove on my hand to stop from sucking my thumb. To this day, golf gloves are still gross to me. Yeah, that’s why every time I step into a gay bar, every dude in there puts a golf glove on his dick.

Here’s one Toofless Charlize with Kristen Stewart and Sam Claflin at a photo call for that Snow White movie in Madrid yesterday.