When Billy Bob Thornton and Angie Jolie stopped grossing all of us out by dry humping each other on the red carpet, the rumor was that their marriage ended because she wanted to start her own child army and he wasn’t about it. (Translation: Maddox put the scare into Billy Bob by throwing a signature shank eye that had him reaching for the divorce papers.) But Billy Bob says that the real reason their marriage evaporated into corpse dust is because she kept making him put on a James Haven face mask (aka a veal cutlet with big googly eye stickers on it) before they made out. No. Billy Bob says as Angie’s career got bigger so did his insecurities and he started to feel like a creepy, disfigured facemonster hiding in the darkness. That bitch said it, not me. In an interview with Nightline (via NYDN) to promote his memoirs, The Phantom of Arkansas blamed himself for why his fifth marriage didn’t make it past year 3:
“I blew it because I didn’t think I was good enough for her. She has one way she wanted to live her life and I had another way to live mine and I was just too insecure.
When you’re in a relationship, any two celebrities or whatever, you know, I think that puts on a lot of pressure. When Angie and I got married, during that time, I was more famous than she was to start with and then when she becomes this big thing, it’s hard in these relationships. I did feel like the Phantom of the Opera hiding in the catacombs. People have actually said that I didn’t deserve to be with her. We had a great marriage and I chickened out because I didn’t feel good enough. That’s all that happened. It was no big deal, we never hated each other.”
Billy Bob says that he’s friends with Angie and Brad Pitt, and she even gushed out words of praise about him in the foreword for his memoirs.
Every tabloid, gossip blog, third world orphan and certified Brangeloonie should send Billy Bob a thank you basket of copper man wigs for screwing up his marriage. If Billy Bob and Angie stayed together, she might not have done Mr. & Mrs. Smith, which means there might not be any Brangelina, which means the gossip industry would’ve collapsed years ago, which means some of us would be aimlessly walking around the land looking for something to talk shit about. Billy Bob saved us all! And I wasn’t joking about the basket of man wigs, because he needs a few new ones. Just look at the dreadful tortured beast Billy Bob had on his head at a book signing in NYC the other day. That patch of beaver butt hair on his chin doesn’t help either. That soul patch looks like something his terrible wig pooped up.